All He Could Feel Was Pain
by kmart92
Summary: What happens when Sam overhears a conversation that turns his world upside down?
1. Chapter 1

"He said what?" Traci shrieked, barely able to stop herself from bouncing up and down with excitement.

"Yeah, I know! I was shocked too; I totally did not see this coming!" Andy giggled, grinning madly from ear to ear.

"Oh my God!" Her face fell as she remembered something which made her previous excitement fade fast. "Are you sure?"

"Whoah Traci! What do you mean 'are you sure?' He asked, I said yes, I'd be nuts if I didn't say yes!" Andy's eyebrows frowned as she tried to remember why exactly she'd said yes. She was shocked to say the least, but also confused and with the confusion she couldn't help but picture his face when he finds out.

The man kneeling on the ground with the opened blue velvet box waited patiently, but not at all nervously for her answer. When the answer didn't come, he prompted: "Andy..."

She blinked his face from her mind and looked down. He was the easy choice, the safe choice, the guy whom every girl should fall in love with. But she wasn't every girl. She knew she could never love him, but she also knew she should never have allowed herself to feel that way about anyone, especially not him. He could break her. She smiled down at the man, a fake smile, but a smile he would never understand, and painting excitement into her features and lacing her voice with false enthusiasm, she replied: "Of course I'll marry you Luke."

Even as she said those words, she felt her chest close tightly around her, her heart tearing itself from her body. She had to stifle a sob as he jumped up, twirled her around and squished her into a hug. She felt his hands and body around her, but didn't feel the warmth and tingling sensation she knew would never be there. Instead, she felt like she was hugging a corpse.

She pulled back, "Luke, we have to get to work". She had to talk to Tracy.

He nodded, "I can call Best and tell him we have an announcement for everyone!"

"No!" She shouted, much louder than she had anticipated. "I mean, I don't think we should announce it just yet, I need some time to let this sink in. Please, promise me you won't mention this to anyone" she pleaded with him, fearing he might see past her lie and find her real reason.

"Honey... ok, fine. But I want the whole world to know just how lucky I am! But if you want to wait, that's fine. I promise I won't tell a soul. Scout's honour!"

Andy smiled, "Thanks. It won't be for long."

...

She was silent for the whole car ride to the station, but Luke figured she was just trying to overcome her surprise.

She didn't even notice when he opened the door for her, and she only vaguely heard him say, "Well, have a good day honey. I'll see you at home later tonight." She mumbled her reply and headed straight for the locker room.

...

"Andy... hello, earth to Andy!" Traci was waving a hand in front of her face. She blinked, "Sorry? What did you say?"

Traci sighed, "What about Sam?" She knew he was in love with her best friend, that was pretty obvious. What she saw in his eyes was enough to realise that Luke could never be the right guy for Andy. She tried to talk some sense into her, but every time, she withdrew, and quickly deflected. Which could only mean one thing – She was hiding behind Luke. She knew Andy well enough to know that she was petrified of falling in love, of finding someone who could tear her apart. She was in love with Sam but would never admit it, not even to Traci, not even to herself.

Andy flinched visibly. She saw this coming but it hurt her all the same. What would she say to Sam? How would he respond? She couldn't tell him. She couldn't bear to see the pain it would inflict upon him. She loved him too much to cause him pain. _She loved him..._ _No, he would hurt her, he would walk away from her just like everyone else... This time it would kill her, just like pushing him away was killing her right now._

Andy took a deep breath and steadied herself. "I... I don't know. I don't know if I can tell him. What would he say? No, I can't tell him. I can't hurt him like that. What am I supposed to say? I can't just walk up to him and say, 'Sam, Luke has asked me to marry him'".

Traci was staring at something over her shoulder, her mouth gaping. "I think you just have".

...

Sam was walking through the station with two coffee cups in his hand. He'd spent 30 minutes in that line at the coffee shop to get her her favourite morning cup. Caramel Latte with a dash of vanilla. He didn't know how she could drink that stuff, but she liked it and so he drove out of his way to get it for her. He whistled a tune as he glanced around, trying to spot her and then realising that as she was almost always late to parade, his best bet would be to look in the women's locker room.

He was approaching the door when he heard Traci say, "What about Sam?" His curiosity was peaked so he made sure he couldn't be seen while he eavesdropped.

Andy was rambling, not making any sense and when she said, "I can't tell him", he rounded the corner, ready to reply, 'tell me what', when she said the words, "Luke has asked me to marry him". God! His feet were frozen to the spot and his face stung with almost unbearable pain. He felt like someone had just kicked him in the stomach, he couldn't breathe. He was practically gasping for air, when he saw Traci mumble something to Andy and saw her face fall as she saw him. He quickly looked down at the floor, trying to regain his composure and harden his heart. He failed.

...

Andy whirled around to see Sam standing there, looking as if he was in immense physical and emotional pain. She was stunned; she stuttered out, "Sam..." before her mouth froze in a kind of unnatural quivering shape.

She hurt him. She was killing him. She wanted to rush over to him and say, 'I made a mistake' and hold him forever, kissing him gently and asking for his forgiveness. But she couldn't.

He finally looked up at her, unable to conceal his anguish and smiled a smile that never got close to reaching his eyes and never felt so false. He placed the coffee down on the bench next to him and walked over to her, looking in her eyes and seeing what he thought was sadness, pain and regret, but he couldn't be sure.

As he came closer, he put his shaking hands on her shoulders and said, "I guess congratulations are in order". He hugged her, trying to feel her warmth, but his whole body was numb. He leaned back and kissed her on the cheek, whispering a soft, "Congratulations Andy" into her ear, before walking to the door. He glanced back once more, pointing to the bench and said simply, "Enjoy your coffee", then leaving before he lost control.

She couldn't tear her eyes away from his the whole time. She searched his eyes for traces of anger but found only pain. His voice wasn't laced with sarcasm either, which shocked her, but instead was soft and gentle, telling her he was sincere, but at the same time, announcing to her that he felt his life was not worth living now. His touch sent shivers down her spine, letting his sadness seep into her veins.

Traci stood there also, shocked by what she saw. Tears brimmed her eyes as she watched Sam walk away. All she could think to say was, "He brought you coffee."

Andy nodded faintly, "He always brings me coffee". She then burst into tears and raced to the door crying his name. She looked out and instantly saw him sitting with Best in his office, his body slumped in a chair. She turned away and let her body slide down the wall, hugging her knees close to her and sobbing uncontrollably. Traci rubbed her back until she calmed down and said, "I need to get ready, parade's in 5."

Traci nodded, "Are you going to be ok?" Her face littered with concern.

"No, but I have to be", was the only reply she received before Andy turned to her locker, grabbed some makeup and started furiously dabbing her face. All she could think of was Sam, and what she was going to say to him.

...

Sam knocked once before entering Best's office and immediately took a seat. Best looked up at him, instantly noticing his dishevelled appearance and almost ghostly pale face.

"God! Sam! What's wrong?" Best jumped out of his seat and raced around, leaning back on the desk as he studied Sam's face.

"Look, Sir, something's just come up and I was wondering if you could put me on desk duty today?" Sam hurried the words out of his mouth, not looking up, just wanting a quick affirmative before he leapt out of the office.

"Must be something pretty bad if you want desk duty, Sam. What's up, you don't look good at all. I'm sorry Sam but we need all the officers we can get out in the field."

"Sir, I just can't go out in the field today, I'm sorry but I'm not feeling good at all and I know I won't be of any help out there in my condition. Please..." He begged, he couldn't take a day in the car with McNally.

Best watched him carefully, deciding there must be a damn good reason for this and was willing to trust Sam's judgement. "Fine, just today, you and McNally has desk duty."

"No!" He practically screamed the word out. "I think she should go with Noelle, they've been working really well lately, and she needs the experience." Sam was grasping at straws. "I... I need to be alone today," he admitted, "I can't have her yapping at me today. Just not today, please."

"Ok Sam. Today only." Best walked out of his office, calling back, "Parade, Sam."

Sam slipped quietly into the back corner of the room slightly cowering behind his friends, waiting to be dismissed.

Jerry, Oliver and Noelle all turned around, noticing that Sam looked like he'd just been beaten to a pulp. They glanced at each other worriedly. They'd never seen him like this before.

Jerry gently put his hand on Sam's shoulder, watching him flinch as he did so, and quietly asked, "Sam, are you ok buddy?"

Sam looked up quickly and back down to the floor again, took a deep breath and tried to reply nonchalantly, "Yep, fine."

All three looked at him, knowing something was seriously wrong, but not wanting to push him, they quietly mumbled, "If you need to talk..."

All he could do was nod. He'd lost his speaking faculties.

As soon as he heard the word, 'Dismissed', he was gone, nowhere to be seen until he was positive everyone had left the station. Quietly, head down, he walked back and chained himself to the desk.


	2. Chapter 2

She didn't see Sam when she walked into the parade room, though she knew he was there. She barely listened to Best at all, instead, frantically wracking her brain, trying to think of what she would say to him in the squad car. She didn't know what. If she didn't fix this, she knew with absolute certainty that he would not be speaking to her anytime soon.

'_Sam, we need to talk'_ – no, that's what everyone begins with. _'Sam, I know what I said hurt you'_ – no, he'd deny it and then give her the cold shoulder until she was driven insane with guilt. _'Sam, sir, I'm sorry'_ – seriously, could that _be _more pathetic? _'Sam, I was going to tell you, but I didn't know how'_ – no, he'd heard the conversation and he knew she was not going to tell him.

She could almost hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice when he would reply coldly, _"Yeah McNally, like when? You're golden anniversary? Be honest for once in your life McNally, you were never going to tell me, so don't even try to pretend otherwise."_ Everything she could say would be wrong, and she was out of ideas. She had to fix this. She had a whole day with him to fix this. Those were her thoughts immediately prior to hearing her name and snapping back to attention.

"McNally, you're with Williams. Alright, you've got your assignments. Go out there – Serve, protect, and, oh, I don't know, let's sort out our differences people! Dismissed!" Best delivered this last bit of wisdom with a tired and highly strained voice, briefly glancing at Andy and then to the huddled group in the back corner, where he figured Swarek would be skulking.

It would be an understatement to say that Andy was surprised by her change of partner, but then at the same time, not surprised at all. She received Best's address with a slight look of confusion, before whipping around, trying to catch a glimpse of Sam, but again, her searching was in vain.

She barely had time to walk out the door herself before Noelle yelled at her to get a move on. She would have to find him later, but for now, she could mull over her actions.

...

She sat deadly still in the squad car, her knees tucked tightly up to her chin, as she gnawed on her bottom lip, replaying every word, every glance, every movement since she'd tackled him to the ground and tried to kiss him. That phrase flew into her mind; one he'd used many times over the following months that they'd been partnered together. At once she had to shake her head vigorously trying to rid her eyes of their tears.

Noticing this sudden movement, Noelle, who'd been patiently waiting for an explanation of her mood, finally couldn't take it any longer. She heard Andy mutter something along the lines of, "Oh God, what am I going to do?", slapping herself in the head as she began rocking back and forth.

Suddenly pulling over and parking sharply, Noelle turned and said, not so gently, "Look, whatever it is, McNally, out with it now! I'm not having you sit here the entire day looking like you need to be placed in a lunatic asylum. Hurry up and spit it out, we have more important things to do today!"

Andy, shocked by the outburst, looked across at Noelle, her eyes blurred with unshed tears. "I,I... I... Luke asked me to marry him", she stuttered out finally before burying her head in her knees and trying to stop the water leaking from her eyes. She hated letting anyone see her cry.

"Oh my God! SAM!" Noelle screeched, jumping out of the car, yanking out her phone and dialling his number. No answer. Of course he'd switched it off, who wouldn't when he'd just found out news like that. Pacing back and forth frantically, Noelle punched in another number and waited for the person to pick up. Five times it rang before she heard the voice, "Barber here."

"Jerry! Where's Sam?"

"Noelle, are you alright? What's going on?" He'd never heard her sound so distraught before.

"Jerry! Andy's getting married!"

"Holy crap! Sammy!" Jerry jumped out of his seat and raced to the door. "Noelle, I'll find him, I'll take care of him. I gotta go!" He shouted this into the phone before slamming it shut and bolting out of his office.

Jerry burst into the men's locker room, half expecting Sam to be taking his frustrations out on his already severely damaged locker. But it was empty. He walked back out, ringing his cell phone, but like Noelle, he only got the message bank. That was when he spotted him sitting at a desk at the back of the room, staring blankly at a piece of paper in his hands.

Jerry paused, watching his friend for a couple of minutes as he attempted to focus, blinking rapidly as if trying to dispel some disgusting image from his mind. Trying to forget. His face was pale and tired, his shoulders sagged, and his mouth showed obvious signs of wallowing in self-pity. Seeing enough, Jerry walked over and sat down next to him. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings until a hand reached out and touched his shoulder, causing his to jolt back to reality.

"Sam, I...um, I heard." Jerry offered tentatively, not sure how he would react.

"What are you talking about Jer?" His tone was one of utter resignation.

"Sammy, Noelle rang... uh, I know about McNally." Sam visibly flinched at the mention of her name.

"I'm fine Jerry, just not feeling 100%. I think maybe I'm coming down with something." He avoided Jerry's eyes and turned back to his paper, knowing full well that his lie was pathetic and would never fool anyone.

"Sammy..."

"No, Jerry. I'm fine." _God, how many times had he used that word?_ "Please, just drop it."

Jerry just nodded his head, not knowing what else to do. He stood up quietly and was about to walk away, but paused briefly to say, "Sam, when you're ready to talk..." He didn't get a response, he sighed and turned away.

Sam hung his head for a few seconds, taking a deep breath before forcing himself to look at his papers again, trying to make sense of the blurry words in front of him.

A few desks away, ever the eavesdropper, Gail bit her lip and tilted her head slightly, replaying the conversation in her head. What the hell had happened? Oh crap! She remembered the last part of Detective Callaghan's phone call this morning when she was grabbing some files from his office.

_FLASHBACK_

"_Yeah, I did it this morning! I panicked for a second, I thought she was going to say no, but I tell you man, I was even slightly shocked when she said yes!_

"_No, not for a few days, she wants to get used to the idea. I mean I knew she was indecisive, but hey! At least she said yes, right?"_

_END FLASHBACK_

She grimaced as she connected the dots. Poor Swarek! No wonder why he looked like he'd been hit by a bus. Her conclusion – Andy is an idiot.


	3. Chapter 3

Noelle walked back to the cruiser with a highly pissed off expression on her face. She slammed the door shut and turned to Andy.

"What the hell is the matter with you? How could you be so fricking stupid?" She practically spat those words out with the most venom she could recall ever using. Andy met her glare with puffy eyes, yet surprisingly calm demeanour, as though she had cried enough and now knew what to do. Maybe it was this that caused Noelle to stop her rant, to think perhaps there was a skerrick of hope left.

Or maybe it was Andy's quiet murmur, "I know." She'd decided. Everything would be fine.

"You know what, whatever. Do what you like. Let's just get this day over and done with." Noelle turned back to focus on the road, determined to ignore her partner for the rest of the day. She would get a taste of what she deserved.

Meanwhile, a small, almost invisible smile crept across Andy's face. A smile that said she well satisfied with the decision she'd reached about 7 seconds prior to Noelle returning to the squad car.

...

At the end of shift, she strode back into the station, her gait full of confidence and purpose. She hardly noticed anyone as she walked past the desks, only stopping briefly to knock before entering Luke's office.

But at least 4 pairs of eyes watched her, studying her closely, trying to decipher her actions.

"Luke? Got a minute?" Andy saw his eyes flick up to hers with an expression of surprise, quickly masked by a cheesy grin.

"Of course! I could even spare _3_ minutes for you!"

"Ah, Luke..." she hesitated for half a second, not quite sure where to begin. She noticed his eyes register her peculiar air and begin to question why she was here.

"Andy, do you need to tell me something?"

She looked down at the floor and back to his face, strengthening her resolve. "Yep, it's about time..."

...

He couldn't tear his eyes away. He knew he needed to; his knees were beginning to give way. He faintly was aware of Jerry coming to stand next to him, watching just like he was. And that was when he saw it. The one thing that ripped him to shreds inside and out. The kiss.

One minute she's talking to him, hand on his arm. Seconds later she leans forward and presses her lips to his. He briskly jerked his body away, not before seeing her contented smile, and fled for the toilets, Jerry following close behind.

He retched the contents of his stomach into the nearest obliging toilet bowl and attempted to stand up, only to find himself collapsing against the toilet once more.

"Sammy, brother... I think you need a drink."

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Sam replied, "Yep, at least 3 bottles of scotch would help."

"To the Penny it is! My shout." Jerry figured if he could get some alcohol into him, Sam might just open up. He needed to get past this.

"Nah, Jer, not tonight. I just wanna go home." What if she was there? He couldn't face her. Not now.

"Sam, I can't let you drink yourself into oblivion without supervision. Besides, I never willingly offer to pay, so I'd be taking me up on that offer if I was you."

He looked at his friend, ready to provide another negative response, until he remembered, much to his chagrin, that his house was currently an alcohol-free zone. He hadn't had time to go to the liquor store lately, so his cabinet was bare.

"Fine" he conceded, "Let's get out of this hell hole."

...

Gail quickly made herself scarce as she heard the two men scramble up off the floor and head towards the door. Her mind was made up. Someone needed to swipe the smile off that brunette's face.

...

There was a distinct bounce in her step when she left his office. A weight lifted from her shoulders. She practically bounded into the locker room, anxious to apprise Traci of everything.

Traci noticed the sudden change in attitude from this morning's little episode and sat with bated breath, waiting for an explanation. By the end, she was so stupefied that all she could manage was a gobsmacked expression and, after a long pause, an impressed, "Andy, you go girl!"

Andy grinned back at her best friend, feeling quite pleased with herself.

Well, that was until the door burst open and in stormed a clearly pissed off Gail.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Andy almost rolled her eyes, here we go again.

"Ah, Gail..."

"No, you listen up good Andy, cos it's about time someone said this to your face. I know we're not 'best buddies' or anything but I never pegged you for being the heartless bitch that you obviously are. Don't you realise what you're doing to him? Or is this like some little game to you, huh? How can you treat him like that?"

"Hey now back off sister!" Traci pushed Andy backwards and came to stand in between them.

"My problem is not with you Traci, so stay out of this. It's about time Andy stood up and took responsibility don't you think?"

"Gail, what's going on? What are you talking about?" Andy was a little shocked by the malice of the blonde and couldn't for the life of her think of what she could have done to encourage this enraged state.

"Don't come all innocent with me, girl. You're not an idiot, so I know that you know just how much this is killing Swarek to see to getting married to Callaghan. He's been madly in love with you since the start and now you're trampling all over him like he's some piece of garbage. And don't even bother trying to refute this cos you and I both know the truth. You're just a cold-hearted bitch who will never deserve someone like Sam Swarek." Gail was seething, but she felt good at the same time. She'd finally taken Andy McNally down a notch or two.

Andy felt like she'd been winded and sat down on the bench to regain some strength. _Gail was right._

Before Gail could start on her second wind, Traci decided enough was enough and it was time to intervene. She cautiously placed her hand on Gail's shoulder, ready to withdraw quickly just in case.

"Gail, um, Andy's just broken up with Luke – because of Sam – I think you might have jumped the gun."

She looked back and forth from Andy to Traci, her face slowly dropping all traces of fury. "But, you were just kissing Luke – what, I mean, how... um, Andy? I really think you have to explain yourself."

Andy took a deep breath and looked up. "I was just telling Traci that all day, all I could think about was Sam and how marrying Luke would mean losing him. I hurt him so bad, Gail, I saw the pain in his eyes and I knew I'd made a mistake. Well, technically, I've known all along that I made a mistake choosing Luke, but he's a good guy and I thought it would all be ok. I said yes cos I'd be crazy not to, but then I realised I was crazy to say yes in the first place. Especially when I have Sam. I... I, I love him. I've always loved Sam and I want only him, forever. I love him." She was almost pleading with them to believe her.

"I went to talk to Luke after shift and I told him that I'd been leading him on all this time and that I was sorry but I could never marry someone, or be with someone I didn't love. And, I told him I never loved him. I said how great a guy he is and that he's a good friend, but I couldn't be with him anymore. He actually took it rather well. He said he kind of saw it coming, and he was surprised when I'd accepted him. He figured if he asked, it would make me decide if I wanted a future with him instead of prolonging the inevitable. Then I kissed him. I said I was sorry and I kissed him goodbye. That's it, that's my story... Gail, what's wrong?" She became concerned when Gail clasped her hand over her mouth and looked extremely troubled.

"Um, Andy, you've gotta go and find Sam, now! You have to tell him." Traci looked on, becoming increasingly anxious also, as Gail pulled Andy off the bench and tried to push her out the door with haste.

"Gail, tell me what's going on? What's happened to Sam?" Andy shrieked as she turned around, grasping Gail's shoulders and shaking her roughly.

"He saw you with Luke. He saw you kissing Luke then he bolted to the toilets and started throwing up. It was awful, Andy! Jerry's taken him to the Penny. You have to go and tell him. No one deserves to feel like he looked. Andy, you're killing him!"

Tears sprang to her eyes and her heart began to literally ache. She was struggling to breathe. She muffled a cry and ran out of the locker room whimpering his name, with Gail and Traci not far behind.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hi everyone! Thank you soooo much for your reviews. They're fantastic and I'm loving every minute of it! Sorry this one has taken me so long to update but I had a bit of a relapse into bad memories with this one. Anyway, moving on. Hope you like this chapter. I've done the best I could. Enjoy!**_

He sat at the bar in his normal seat, with one tumbler in his hands and a full bottle of scotch in front of him. Well, it was full about ten minutes ago. Jerry and Noelle stood beside him, watching, waiting, unsure of what to do or say. Helpless, unable to ease their friend's pain.

Cautiously, Jerry started with, "Sammy, do you wanna talk about it?"

"Do I ever want to talk about it?" He made his reply without so much as even lifting his gaze from his glass.

"Good point." Jerry turned to Noelle and raised his eyebrows, begging her to give it a try.

She took a deep breath and quietly joined in. "Sam, I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but seriously, I really think you need to put this behind you and forget about McNally."

His tone was bitter, full of disappointment and resignation. He snorted, "Don't you think I've tried to forget her. I've done everything I can think of, but I can't. She's... she's... dammit! She's part of me, she's in my blood and no matter what I do, I can't get rid of her."

Oliver strolled up to the bar, overhearing Sam's response and noting the more than concerned expressions of Jerry and Noelle. He watched as Sam poured himself another helping of the amber liquid and not pausing for a second before glugging it down in one quick motion.

"Jeez Sammy! Was that bottle full when you started?" Oliver quipped as he sat down beside him. The only response he received was a glare telling him that Sam was definitely not in the mood for humour. Oliver sat in silence as Sam polished off the bottle and motioned for the bar tender to bring out another.

He turned his eyes on Noelle with a look that said 'fill me in, this looks serious'. Noelle sighed and beckoned him over with a flick of her head, and proceeded to apprise Oliver of all the goings-on. Oliver was speechless for perhaps the first time in his life. His eyes kept flicking his eyes between Sam and Noelle, before they rested on his friend, looking him over with sombre scrutiny.

He reclaimed his seat and placed a hand lightly on Sam's shoulder. "Sam, you're in love."

Sam just grabbed the next bottle and chugged down another glass. He didn't respond, but he figured he probably didn't need to. Instead he turned and looked at the 3 and asked quite seriously, "Aren't you guys going to have a drink?"

"Ah, no buddy. I think you've had enough for all of us already and I'm guessing you're still not done", Jerry replied, gesturing at the scotch.

He simply clenched his jaw, turned back to the bottle and downed another, waiting to feel the burning sensation as it slid down his throat. Instead, he felt numb. After today, he was well acquainted with that feeling. He mumbled, "She said yes."

"Yeah, well, she's an idiot. She should have picked you." Noelle was starting to get angry again. She hated seeing him like this. He was like a brother to her and she'd be damned if she let anyone, especially that dumb rookie push him over the edge.

"But she didn't", he sighed, reaching for the bottle again. "She's not an idiot. She made the right choice."

"No, Sammy, you're not going to do this. You're not going to start wallowing in self-disbelief and forgetting how great a guy you are. You are 10 times, no, 100 times the man that Callaghan is, and if Andy can't see that, well, then, there is no way in hell that she deserves you."

Oliver piped up, trying a different tack, "Sam, I've never seen you give up so easily. You've never backed down from something you want, so why are you doing it now?"

He looked him square in the eye. "Because I've never wanted something, someone _so_ much. She's it for me. I, I... I love her. Without her, I'm... I'm... Urghhh!" He slumped over in his seat, his head finding contact with the bar.

"Sammy, brother. You can't give up. You've gotta fight for her. Tell her. Sam, you need to tell her."

"No, Jer. I'm done. She made her choice and it wasn't me. She doesn't love me. I can't do this anymore. It's over."

"Sam..."

"No! I just want to drink."

...

She was bleary-eyed by the time she reached the Penny. Her brain was working overtime, granted, running in circles. _I've hurt him. I'm killing him. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn't I see what was right in front of me? What is wrong with me? I need to tell him. God! This is such a mess!_

She paused at the door, trying, struggling to regain some composure, trying to find the right words. She wiped her face quickly with the back of her hand and shakily placed it on the door. Deep breath. She flung it open and her eyes scanned the room for a couple of seconds before resting on the hunched over black figure at the bar. She took a stutter-step back before her feet carried her towards the bar. She saw him quickly drinking himself into oblivion and she lost her words. Her mind screamed over and over, _What have I done? What have I done?_

She saw Jerry mutter something along the lines of, "Unbelievable! Don't worry, I got this!" before striding purposefully towards her. If looks could kill...

"What do you think you're doing? Don't you think you've done enough? I think it would be best for all of us, especially Sam, if you turned around and hightailed it out of here. I will not allow you to hurt my friend anymore than you already have" His tone was more order than suggestion, mixed with high potency malice. His eyes flashed with anger and told her with no uncertain terms that he would forcefully remove her if necessary.

"Jerry, I have to fix this. I have to talk to him." Her hands were fidgeting. Her eyes never left Sam's broken body.

His voice started to rise as he drew himself up in an attempt to look threatening. "No, Andy, you have no right..."

At that point, Traci cut him off with a hand on his chest, stepping in between them. "Jerry, you will step aside now and let her talk to him."

"Traci..." The warning in his voice was lost on her, though he was somewhat surprised by her reaction.

"No, Jerry, listen. Andy needs to talk to Sam right now. She just broke up with Callaghan because of Sam and now all she wants to do is fix this. You need to let her fix this. They can fix this. Please don't get in their way." He looked at Traci, then at Gail who was staring him down.

"Fine," he looked back at Andy and with gritted teeth, he said, "If you hurt him..."

"I know." She pushed past him and continued on her way to the bar, all the while noticing how both Oliver and Noelle instinctively stepped in front of Sam, huddling around him, trying to protect him. His back was facing still facing her.

They looked at Jerry, questioning why he let her pass. He simply nodded, silently signalling them to stand down. She came and stood next to him, but either he didn't notice or had perfected his ability to ignore her.

"Sam." Her voice was gentle and sad. She thought she saw him flinch, but maybe she was mistaken. She took in his profile and then glanced at the two scotch bottles in front of him. 1 empty, the other, almost. She had to stifle a gasp. _What have I done?_

She began to reach out to touch him, but then thought better of it. She restrained her hands from moving of their own accord towards him by shoving them in her jeans pockets. So, she settled for repeating his name.

"Sam." He took another gulp of scotch. "Sam, please look at me." No response. "Sam! We need to talk!" Her voice was much forceful this time.

He finally decided he couldn't ignore her forever. And it didn't seem like she was going away anytime soon. Without looking up, barely acknowledging her presence, he replied, "There's nothing to talk about McNally, got nothing to say."

She cringed inwardly as he called her by her last name. Compared to every other time, this sounded cold. "Sam, please. I'm sorry." Her voice became soft and hurt, pleading with him just to look at her.

He looked up at her briefly, for the first time since the locker room that morning, caught her eyes and immediately wished he hadn't. They were almost echoing the amount of pain in his. He looked back down at his tumbler. "McNally, shouldn't you be with your fiancée?" He struggled so hard not to portray any emotion, any bitterness and anguish in his voice, but he knew he was not entirely successful.

She hesitated. "No." She kept her tone straight and calm. "I just broke up with him." She looked at him carefully, trying to see his eyes, trying to seep into his soul.

If she was expecting relief, joy, a smile, or anything, she was wrong. He just blinked. She waited. And waited. "Sam, aren't you going to say anything?" Why didn't he respond? She began to doubt herself. Andy shot a glance at the others who were standing a short distance away, listening. His friends had their mouths agape in shock, her friends nodded her on, willing her to continue.

He tried to absorb what she said. He should be happy, thrilled even. He should be jumping up and down, kissing her and holding on to her forever. But, he knew it couldn't be true. He never was the lucky guy. He was drunk and this was a dream. So, he took another swig. She turned back to see his hand reach out for the bottle again, only to find it was empty. He signalled to the bartender.

"Sam, don't you think you've had enough."

That was it. He stood quickly, far too quickly for a man in his condition, and knocked the stool over. He shook his head, partially to clear the fog, and partially to show his frustration at being denied his medicine. His voice nothing but bitterness, "Yeah, I've had enough. I'm done." And with that, he walked out, flinging the door back with more power than he realised.

She stood for a minute or two before running out after him, the group following and so too, a number of unknown bystanders. She saw him reach his truck and turn back, hoping that he started seeing sense and was coming back for her. No, he walked up to Jerry and handed him his keys and asking for a lift home.

She called out to him again as he and Jerry walked towards the car. "Sam! Wait!" Her feet started pulling her towards him again, slowly.

"What is it McNally?" He paused and half turned back.

"Sam... since you haven't asked, I'm going to tell you what happened. In fact, I'm gonna tell you everything." He didn't respond, so she pressed on. "I've been faking it. With Luke. I never loved him and I never wanted to marry him, but I was scared. He's a great guy, and he's safe, and I'd be crazy not to marry him. But I don't want to run anymore, Sam, I've made my decision and I'm sticking with it. That's why I broke up with Luke. Because I'm crazy. Because I never wanted him." She took a deep breath and continued. They were almost face to face. "I have only ever wanted you, Sam. I need you. Sam... I... Sam, I love you." She was looking into his eyes when she said it and immediately saw a flame flicker behind the pain. She waited for what felt like an eternity before he spoke.

His voice was low and sombre, pitted with grief. "You made the right decision in the first place, McNally and I'm sure there's still enough time for you to run back to him now and take it all back. He'll forgive you. After all, he's the guy that every girl dreams of, huh? You have my blessing." With that, he turned away and walked to Jerry's car. "Jerry, take me home please."

She was shocked, rocked to her very core. He rejected her. No, he was drunk, he was hurt. He couldn't be serious. "Don't say that, Sam, you don't mean that! I love you Sam! I love you." She cried out to him, not wanting to believe anything he just said.

He didn't turn, just paused. "No you don't. It's over. I'm done."

No one said anything. Tears glistened in the eyes of nearly everyone as they watched her crumple. Her knees buckled and hit the gravel.

Oliver didn't know what to say, but he had to try something. "Sammy..." That was as far as he got before he interrupted with a shout. "No Ollie! I'm done." And his feet moved away again.

"Sam!" He voice was barely above a whisper. Desperate. Urgent. Strangled. "Sam, don't leave me. Please don't walk out on me Sam." Salty water was streaming down her cheeks. His figure went blurry until she wiped her eyes.

He looked back at her, his heart wrenching. "You left me, Andy." He turned away for the last time and walked away, slamming the door as he got into Jerry's car. Jerry followed and was about to say something when Sam put up his hand. "Don't." When he received a slight nod in reply, he went on. "Jerry, take me to see Best."

Jerry knew better than to argue, so he stuck the keys into the ignition and pulled out of the car park. When Jerry looked in the mirror, he saw her in a broken mess on the ground, sinking into the bitumen as their friends huddled by her side.

_My apologies if this story is taking too long or if it's not going the way you would like. My stories tend to have the habit of writing themselves and I'm virtually powerless to change it. Thanks again for all your awesome reviews, they put me on such a high! Please keep the reviews coming! I'm not quite sure where this one's headed yet but we'll see. I'll try to have another chapter up shortly. Hope you enjoy!_

_P.S. – If you have any ideas for new stories you would like me to try I'd really like to hear about them. I'm not done yet with this one, but I've already got 1 or 2 more in the mix and can't wait for more! Final note – **SAM & ANDY FOREVER!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_Sorry everyone, that it's taken so long. It's getting harder than I thought to finish it! Plus, I'm travelling at the moment and haven't always got access to the computer or internet. Sorry for the delays. Hope you all enjoy it or at least aren't too disappointed. It will get better I hope. Please please please don't forget the reviews! Enjoy _

They sat in silence for a few minutes in front of the station, staring at the grey building ahead and watching the rain start to drizzle down the windscreen. Jerry, unsure of what to do or say, just sat there and waited, occasionally glancing to his right at his friend. He wanted to help, to take the pain away, but it was hopeless.

Sam didn't know where they were or that he was just sitting there staring. He was completely unaware of everything. Even of Jerry sitting right next to him. All he could see was her faced, pale, with tears in her eyes and some starting to leak down her cheeks. He saw her heartbreak and anguish as he kept turning away from her. He saw her shatter into small pieces and fall to the ground. He saw her calling him, saying his name over and over, pleading with him. Crying out to him. Weeping his name.

He acutely felt the ache coming from deep inside. Bleeding him dry.

He shook himself out of the haze and briefly pondered how long they must have been there. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. "Well, let's get this over and done with." Jerry nodded faintly, and followed Sam into the station, both marching straight into Best's office, knowing that he rarely went home before midnight.

Without knocking, Sam barged in and collapsed into an obliging chair, throwing his head into his hands, not wanting to see the pity or concern of his friends. Startled, Best looked up from his notes, quickly absorbed Sam's appearance and obvious intoxicated state and turned to Jerry for an explanation. Jerry replied with a grimace and a look that read, y_ou'd better listen to him. I don't know what else to do._ He slumped himself against the door frame.

Best watched Sam for a couple of minutes, knowing that when he was ready, he'd talk. He was right. After what seemed like an eternity, Sam looked up, clenched and unclenched his fists and seemingly strengthened his resolve. He opened his mouth, and closed it. Then, breathing deeply, trying to maintain his composure, he began. "I need a couple of weeks off." Short and to the point. He hoped Best would agree quickly and not ask too many questions. Nevertheless, he saw the coming response ahead of time and had already prepared his answer.

"Sam, you've got to talk to me. What's going on? What's this about?" He saw the compassion in Frank's eyes. He knew he'd understand. But he also knew that once he started it would be like opening up the wounds afresh. Like cutting out his insides one by one and dangling them in front of everyone.

"I'm sure Jerry will fill you in on everything, but right now, I just need to hear your answer, Frank. I need a couple of weeks off," he repeated, desperately wanting to put an end to this line of discussion.

Best sighed. "Is this about McNally?" He watched as Sam recoiled immediately from her name, and decided it was best not to push the issue. He'd known Sam for long enough to understand his reaction. This was serious. He relented, "Look, Sam, you can take as long as you want. I'll assume that you won't be coming in tomorrow. But Sam, I've know you for almost 10 years, and I've gotta say, I'm really worried about you. What can I do? Surely there's something I can do to help."

"No, there's nothing you can do. I've just got to get away from here for a while." His voice was steady and quiet, resigned. He moved to get up, but then seemed to remember something and reclaimed his seat. He appeared to be wrestling with something in his mind, debating whether or not to take the plunge. Frank and Jerry watched him squeeze his eyes shut, tighten his jaw and grapple with his thoughts. There was more left to say and while they thought they knew where his mind had headed, they both prayed that he would decide against it.

Silence had engulfed the room and no one dared to break it. Eventually he spoke. "Frank, I heard about the opening in Guns and Gangs," he watched Best closely, noting that he betrayed no expression of shock, he continued, "I want in. I want to transfer, effective immediately."

Jerry winced and hung his head in defeat. Best just stared at Sam, weighing up his words. "Why, Sam? Why now?"

"Frank, please. I want to get out of here. I _need _to get out of here. I'm dying staying here." He put as much determination and emotion into that statement as he could muster without completely losing it.

Best glanced at Jerry, who was staring at an evidently very interesting spot on the floor, and looked back at Sam, who was still waiting for an answer. He noticed the already prominent bags under his eyes. "You've been drinking Sam. Now is not the time to be making rash decisions..."

"Obviously I haven't drunk enough yet" muttered Sam before raising his voice again. "I'm serious, Frank. I want to transfer. If not to Guns and Gangs, then some other division. I need out!"

"Look, Sam, I'll make you a deal. This is non-negotiable. You can take off whatever amount of time you need. I'll give you the appropriate forms to fill out for the transfer. If, at the end of your break, you still wish to go ahead with the transfer, I'll submit if for you. Then, and only then, will it be submitted, not before. If, however, you decide to stay, I'll dispose of the transfer and pretend that it was never even an option. Deal?"

Sam tried to glare him down, but seeing the relentless expression on Best's face, he conceded begrudgingly, "looks like I don't have much of a choice then." He stood, shoved his fists in his pockets and turned to Jerry, signalling to him that he was ready to leave. He started to walk out, but stopped when Best said, "Sam, will you tell me where you're going?"

He shook his head, "I don't want _anyone_ to know," putting particular emphasis on that word, knowing Frank would get it. Frank nodded and offered a final farewell, "Good luck Sammy. Come back to us soon."

Sam returned the nod and attempted to give a small smile which ended up more like a grimace. He walked through the doorway without another word, without looking back, knowing that Jerry was following. He pushed open the station doors and was hit with a sharp cold breeze. For a second, he relished the feeling of something other than pain. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, absorbing the air into his lungs. "Mind if I crash at your place tonight, Jer?"

"Sure, buddy. Of course."

_Ok, so I know it was pretty obvious where this story was going, but there was just no other way to do it. I hope, though I'm not entirely confident of it, that my writing somewhat makes up for it. I'm not finished yet, by the way, and I'm sorry it's taken so long to update it but I've been mulling over this for a while and am still not sure how to end it. I'll get there eventually._

_Anyway, hope you all like it. Keep the reviews coming, they really make my day! Let me know what you think, I can't wait to hear it!_

_kmart92_


	6. Chapter 6

_**I take it by the lack of reviews that you guys didn't like my last chapter. Sorry about that! I'll try to do better this time. Hope you enjoy. Please review, it really makes my day! Oh, and I'll try to be quicker uploading new chapters from now on, but having sometimes no computer must be my excuse. Again, please enjoy!**_

Andy lay there, helpless, whimpering his name. Tears poured down her face in quick succession. They were rapid and unstoppable, mixing with the rain as they hit the ground. She vaguely sensed Traci's arms around her, but felt none of their warmth. She saw multiple figures crouching close to her, their faces obscured by the tears, and she noticed their mouths moving, but heard nothing. _He was gone, she'd lost him, and now nothing else mattered._

She was fading, fast, and having no strength or inclination to move, she remained in her puddle until sleep claimed her. Thus, she didn't feel Oliver bundle her up in his arms and place her gently in Traci's backseat. She also didn't hear Traci say that she would be staying with her until she'd fully recovered, nor was she aware of Gail volunteering for constant bedside vigil. The only thing she was conscious of was darkness.

She saw Sam standing in front of her, with his back turned. She heard the bitterness in his voice as he walked away. She heard herself crying out to him but with no response. She screamed his name until her voice went hoarse. Then, she felt a hand shaking her.

...

Gail saw her thrashing around, heard her beseeching him repeatedly. She, Gail Peck, for the first time since she could remember, started to cry. Her already pale face turned several shades more pallid. She reached out her hand to Andy's shoulder trying to soothe her, calm her. Unresponsive, she began to shake her awake. "Andy. Andy! Andy it's ok, wake up."

Andy jolted herself awake at the touch and found herself staring into the tear-stained face of her sort-of friend. She sat up momentarily confused before she recognised Traci's bedroom and the memories came flooding back. As did the tears. She flopped back, her feeble body quivering in grief.

It was 4 hours before she composed herself and ran out of tears. Gail had returned to work but Traci stayed, appearing with little plates of food which remained untouched, watching her best friend with extreme anxiety as she sat immobile and silent in bed, knees tucked under her chin, gazing intently at the blank wall in front of her. By night she'd fall into a fitful sleep, wracked with nightmares.

This continued for 3 days, with Gail and Traci alternating as nurse, each watching helplessly as she starved herself into weakness. By this time, Best had the full account and was considering the steps to take.

Day 4. Andy, more out of necessity than anything else, moved dazedly around the kitchen, fixing herself some chocolate-chip pancakes and forcing them down her throat. Traci tried to argue against her going back to work, but Andy was insistent. She had to go back. She had to forget. The uniform helped her forget.

It goes without saying that the first thing she noticed upon walking through the station doors was Sam's absence. The second thing was the looks of pity and sympathy following her wherever she went. Struggling to keep it together, she headed for the locker room, head down, unable to look anyone in the eye. She sought the bench for solace, collapsing on it, trying to regain strength. Her head dropped into her hands, and she begged herself not to start crying. Andy noticed a pair of blue legs standing in front of her, observing her current state, so with a sigh, she endeavoured to compose herself and look up.

Noelle watched the rookie, Sam's rookie, struggle not to fall to pieces. She waited for her trembling to subside before she stepped forward. _This girl has gone through enough_, she thought. They'd all heard about Sam's sudden departure and application for Guns and Gangs. _She shouldn't have to face this now. _But then, it was Best's call. And so she spoke, "McNally, Best wants to see you in his office right away." She tried to put it gently, but Andy's shoulders still slumped and her pained expression was replaced with one of fear. Fear of losing her job, probably. Fear of losing everything.

Andy nodded and stood, grimacing as she walked away. Trepidation marked her steps as she made her way up the stairs. She hesitated for a second before knocking, and, receiving a quick motion to come in, she entered, closing the door firmly behind her and from lack of anything else to do to stop fidgeting, she shoved her hands in her pockets and waited for the phone call to finish.

Best never took his eyes off her as he quickly ended the call. She was nervous, he thought, and sick. Thinner maybe. But the overwhelming emotion pervading her was one of desolation. He had to tread carefully. This could still be salvaged.

"McNally... Andy, I heard what happened." He paused, waiting for this to sink in, and seeing her nod in acknowledgement, he continued. "I don't really know how to say this but... um, Sam's gone. He left the day after, for an indefinite period of time."

Andy's head shot up. "What?" He saw her confusion, her devastation.

"Andy, I've known Sam for at least a decade and he's not one to act as rashly as this. I'm worried he's doing something he'll regret."

She could barely focus on what Frank was saying. _Sam was gone_. "What do you mean?" Almost as soon as she asked the question, his words flooded back into her mind. _She'd asked him, "What's holding you back?" Without hesitation, "You"._

She clapped her hand over her mouth, "Oh God!"

Best nodded in affirmation. "He wants to transfer to Guns and Gangs." He saw her body slump into the chair, liked she'd given up. Like she had nothing left to live for. "I told him I would not accept his application until he came back, looked me square in the eye and told me that he wanted to transfer." He waited until she looked back up at him. His voice dropped so low that she thought for a moment she'd imagined his last piece of advice, "There's still time to fix this."

For a few seconds, they stared at each other, Andy absorbing his words, Frank silently encouraging her. She stood quickly and with a quick nod and sincere, "Thank you, sir", started for the door. She paused at the handle and turned back. Before she could formulate the words, he said, "I don't know where he's gone. He didn't want any of us to know". _Especially you. _They both heard the unspoken sentence beneath his words.

Frank Best picked up some papers from his desk and had effectively dismissed her from his office, when he cleared his throat and looked back up at her. "McNally, I'll be expecting to see you back at work on Monday." Adding a quiet "good luck", he released her. She nodded, and made her way to the back row of computers in the reception area. As she logged in, her brain was running a million miles per hour and she had to rest her head on the desk to calm down.

Quickly tapping into the database, she scribbled something down on a piece of yellow sticky paper, sprang off her chair, slung her bag over her shoulder and walked out into the sunlight. She headed in the direction of home, only once, briefly, looking back.

_**Sorry for taking so long everyone! I'll try to get another chapter up in a couple of days. Also, my apologies if there are any spelling errors or other mistakes in this chapter. I've been rushing to get it up and haven't had time to triple check it. Hope it's ok. Don't forget to review! Pretty please with cherries on top?**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Blah blah... Don't own Rookie Blue.**

_**Seriously, this is really hard to finish. I've been mulling over this for ages and am still not completely happy with it but hopefully you guys will like it. I'm sure we all saw this coming but I hope I've written it ok. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. Don't forget to review!**_

Sam sat in his truck for nearing half an hour, his arms folded over the steering wheel and his head slumped on top of them. _Sam! Sam! _She was crying. Pleading, begging for him to come back. _Sam, I love you_. He didn't say it back. He couldn't. She didn't mean it. She would go back to Luke like she always did. She would leave him.

His body shuddered as he vainly tried to rebuild the walls she knocked down. He could feel tears pricking the back of his eyes, so he rubbed them furiously. He would not cry. He never cried. It was as though he was trying to scratch out all images of her from his eyes. Impossible. She was all he could see. He struggled to blink away the look on her face when he turned away. He rejected her just like she rejected him. He made a conscious effort to control his ragged and uneven breathing, forcing himself to take deep breaths. He had to get it together before he went in there.

4 more minutes went by. Slowly he got out of his truck, and made his way to the front door, hesitating for a few seconds before knocking. It was 10pm and probably she'd be in bed. But he didn't care. He needed to be there.

After a minute or two he heard footsteps coming down the stairs and the hallway light switched on. He heard the jingling of keys and a yawn. Slowly the door swung open and he was met with a slightly surprised expression.

"Sam?" She quickly took in his dishevelled appearance and sunken, dull eyes. He looked like death warmed up, like a ghost of the man he was. He looked vulnerable. He looked broken.

"Hey sis," he managed to squeak out as his throat constricted and started impeding his breathing. He tried to take a gulp of air but instead, a sob escaped from deep within. He was always the strong one. But now, he felt desolated. He felt the tears well up again and they fought to break free. He couldn't be strong anymore.

"Oh, Sam." Sarah whispered as she enveloped him in a tight hug and pulled him into the house. Whatever happened, whoever did this to her baby brother, would pay big time.

...

"Sam..." They'd been sitting on the sofa for almost 2 hours, silence consuming the room. Sarah had watched him intently for the better part of the night, trying to be patient, knowing that when he was ready, he'd talk.

Her husband had walked downstairs shortly after she opened the door, and was startled by pallid wreck before him. He caught Sarah's eye with concern, who simply pursed her lips and softly shook her head. He nodded in acknowledgement and moved to fix up the spare bedroom, leaving them alone to comfort each other.

So, she'd waited. Her eyes never left his down-turned face, intense worry etched into her features. She had to try something to get him to open up, to allow her in through the walls she could see he was firmly constructing over his soul. Gently, she took his hands in hers and squeezed them, seeking to impart some of her warmth.

"Sam..." _Sam! Sam! I love you, Sam._

He flinched and brought himself back from the visions. "Sarah... I can't... Not now, please." The voice that departed his mouth was tired and dejected. It sounded nothing like his own. He squeezed his eyes back shut. He didn't have to look at her to see she was nodding. He felt her stand, keeping his hand in hers, and tenderly tugging him up with her. He took yet another deep sigh and stood also, his eyes trained on the floor.

She soothingly placed a hand on his cheek. "Stay as long as you like, little brother."

...

He woke the next morning after a fitful sleep, to say the least, to the smell of bacon and eggs and chocolate chip pancakes. The scent of home. He almost smiled before he remembered the cause that brought him to St Catherine's. Her big brown, innocent eyes began pleading with him again, and he knew at that moment he needed a long shower to scrub himself clean, inside and out.

Eventually he made his way to the kitchen to find a large plate of everything calling his name. Sarah greeted him with a hug that said more 'Everything will be ok' than 'I'm glad you're here'. Sam grimaced as his heart literally began to ache again. Silence once again hung in the air as Sarah watched her brother almost immediately push away the mound of pancakes which always were his favourite. Sam's eyes flickered up to meet hers, with a look that seemed to say, "They are her favourite as well", before he cast them downwards and began shifting things around with his fork.

Sam still hadn't started eating when his niece and nephew came barging in, ready to monopolise Sam as always.

"Uncle Sam!" they shrieked, prising his arms away from the table and almost ripping them from his body.

"Hey" he replied, the word faltering a little on his tongue. He hoped that they didn't catch the weariness and hesitation emanating from him. He attempted a smile but all he could manage was a slight twitch of his mouth.

Sarah was acutely aware of everything and quickly disposed of her children outside, saying, "Uncle Sam needs some alone time". She turned back around to face Sam, who still had not touched his breakfast but was sipping coffee. "Sam, you have to tell me what's going on. I'm worried, baby brother. This is not like you." She placed a hand on his shoulders for comfort. She felt him take a deep sigh, shaking his head as he began, "Sarah..."

"No, Sam, you have to tell me. How am I supposed to be the big sister and look after you for a change if you won't tell me what's wrong?"

Sam gave a half-hearted snort at her response and a tiny smile, so minuscule that anyone else might have missed it. He returned to shaking his head. "Sarah, I just need... time." He looked into her eyes, willing her to drop this for now.

She nodded, "Time."

He spent the entire day fixing the house, going to the local gym, doing anything that would keep his mind occupied on anything other than that night. It was futile, just as he knew it would be. He couldn't forget.

Sarah didn't push him and though he was grateful, by the time night drew and dinner ended, he knew he had to have 'the talk'. Sam figured he couldn't postpone the inevitable. Reluctantly he made his way out to the backyard with Sarah and they sat on the swings side-by-side.

Neither said anything for several minutes, Sarah, remembering their childhood and wishing they could go back to the way it was before, when they were innocent and pure, and Sam, sorting through the picture-bank of his mind, looking for the right words, trying to decide how to begin.

When he began, his voice was raw and edgy. "Sarah, I need you to promise that at the end, you won't try to console me or tell me anything you think might make me feel better. Just let me tell it."

Sarah nodded her assent. "Start from the beginning."

Sam, staring straight ahead into the blackness, exhaled deeply, "The beginning..."

_**Hope you guys enjoyed it. Let me know what you think. Of course, that means – please review! **_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: I want Rookie Blue to be mine (and Sam) but sadly, it's not.**_

_**I never intended to write this chapter, I was just going to skip right over it, but thanks to a couple of reviewers, I won't mention any names (*cough – aolande1 & PSGProductions271 – cough*), ahem, I felt compelled to attempt it. Anyway, if you don't like it blame them! Just kidding! But it's because of them that I've taken sooo long to update. Sorry! Just wanted to say that I absolutely HATE this chapter. I've written it 8 times and each time deleted it, until I gave up and decided just to put this one in. Seriously there is not one single thing I like about this chapter, so my apologies. Hope you like it more than I do. I love all of your reviews and I don't think I'd continue if you didn't review, so keep it up! Side-point: Monster was possibly my fav RB episode so far, rivalled only by Hearts and Sparks. Loved the McSwarek interaction! Bring it on! Enjoy (please...).**_

Sam, staring straight ahead into the blackness, exhaled deeply, "The beginning..."

"Remember when I was undercover last year?" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sarah stiffen.

"Don't remind me." Her voice was tense. "Every day I would wake up thinking maybe today was the day I'd get the call about you."

"Sarah, it's my job."

"It doesn't have to be." They began to get sidetracked, focusing on the argument they'd had many times over the past few years. They looked at each other and both silently agreed to let this one slide for the moment, getting back to 'the talk' at hand.

_Sigh_. "Anyway... I was undercover for 8 months and about 2 weeks away from the bust of a lifetime. I was talking to one of the guys in some dumpy apartment, when I heard the police sirens outside. I didn't think too much about it at the time, just thought they'd check it out the disturbance, then leave. But, the door flew open and in marched this rookie on her own, pointing her gun at us. She had this totally gorgeous Bambi look on her face and ..."

"Bambi look?" Her brows were furrowed in confusion.

"Yeah, scared, well, petrified really. Like a deer caught in the headlights." Sarah nodded her understanding and waited for him to continue.

"I figured I could buy her a drink or something when I came back to the station to make up for having to give her the slip. So, my guy and I bolted out the window away from her and she was still trying to radio in her position, but no one responded so it was obviously not switched on." He chuckled slightly at the memory before shaking his head to focus again. "We hid in an alley a few blocks away to wait out the commotion. I thought we'd well and truly lost her but a few minutes later she jumped around the corner and ordered us to get against the fence. I waited until she put her gun away before I made a run for it – I couldn't afford to have my cover blown this close to the end. But I, er, I clearly underestimated her, cos the next moment, I was smashed into the gravel with her knee digging in my back. I tried to warn her, I gave her every clue I could think of, short of actually telling her I was undercover, but she didn't listen and she carted the both of us back to the squad car. She had this cute little self-satisfied grin on her face, clearly her first arrest. I hoped to hell that whoever was her TO, they'd recognise me and not ruin everything. Turns out it was Oliver.

"I got back to the station and Oliver was trying to get me into a cell to avoid any mistakes, but then Jerry walked in and – you remember Jerry right? Well, anyway, he obviously overlooked the handcuffs, crappy clothes and hair gel cos he hugged me in front of everyone, in front of my guy, and welcomed me back. 8 months of hard work and living in a hole down the drain! God! I was so pissed, I yelled and ranted for probably 10 full minutes. Then I started bashing the life out of my locker, except it wasn't actually my locker, but anyway, then _she _walks in! I couldn't believe it – she ruined everything and still had the nerve to ask me for help! Technically it wasn't her fault for my cover being blown but I must admit, I took everything out on her. I even tried to scare her off by stripping off in front of her, but she didn't budge. I was more than a little impressed, so I eventually gave her the info she needed and she made an arrest.

"The next day, thanks to some genius practical joke on my boss' part, he paired me with her as her TO. I was determined to spend the entire day trying to make her pay, giving her a fake arrest warrant, sending her to break down locked steel doors, you get the idea. I guess the joke was on me, though, cos she stood up to everything I threw at her, and ended up saving my life." Sam paused for a second to take a deep breath, ready to begin the next part of the tale of his depressing situation.

"What!" His thoughts were interrupted by Sarah's panicked exclamation. "What happened? What did you do?"

Sam grimaced slightly, knowing his sister would not want to hear this. "Well, long story short. I went to help this girl that I knew from my op. Once everyone found out I was a cop, her life would be in danger, so I had to protect her. But I ended up getting held at gunpoint on my own with no back-up. I'd sent her away, giving her orders to stay at the station but thankfully for once, she didn't listen to me. She came back for me and rescued both me and the girl. I guess that was the moment that I... I... Never mind."

Sarah watched his face as the emotions crossed over it, _love, pain, resignation_. In her mind she finished his sentence – 'I guess that was the moment that I fell in love with her.' Quietly, not wanting to push him too much or he'd clam up, Sarah probed, "This rookie – what's her name?"

He blinked a couple of times. "Andy. Andy McNally." The way he said her name was as though it was being wrenched from his soul and at that point, Sarah began to understand what her brother was feeling.

Gently, she asked, "What happened, Sam?"

He coughed and closed his eyes for a brief moment. "We had this... um, chemistry between us, this fire. I, I made a move but she rejected me. It was the right thing to do, and I knew that, she was a rookie and I was her TO, there's a rule against that kinda thing. Then she started dating this guy, Luke Callaghan, hot-shot detective, good-looking, but a total ass-hole. I tried to warn her against him, I told her that he went through a different rookie every year. But I think she figured I was just jealous, and, well, she may have been right. Anyway, as we kept working together I got to know her better and before I knew it, I was in deep. I... I dunno. I thought maybe Callaghan would screw up and then maybe I'd get my chance. But he didn't .

"Then one night, the night of the blackout, did you hear about that? Well, she'd had a particularly rough day. She shot a guy, killed him. He was a child abductor, rapist and murder, but she still took it really bad, she was pretty shaken up. I tried to get her to talk about it, but she's never been into talking about her feelings, though she never shuts up at other times. Anyway, the whole city was blacked out and completely sweltering. In the middle of the night, she knocked on my door and... um, I... um, she kissed me. She was clearly hurting and wanted something to make the pain of her memories go away. I should have stopped her, it was wrong on so many levels but I, uh... I didn't, I couldn't. She... she, she was finally there, and I wanted her so badly, needed her so badly. We were so close to making love, when, um..."

Sarah was mildly shocked when he used the words 'making love'. He was a guy after all, and no guys she knew would ever use that term. _He loved her, truly loved her._

"... the power came back on and the radio blared and the lights switched on. I went to turn everything off but by the time I came back, she was sitting on the end of my bed, her shirt back on, ready to make her escape. She had the same look in her eyes like she had the first time I saw her." He was breathing hard, reliving the night. _I guess everything goes back to normal_. "Then, she left." He faintly heard Sarah sniffle, but moved onwards, shaking his head. "I was an idiot, totally naive to think that after that she'd leave Callaghan for me! I didn't see her or hear from her all week, and I tried to call so many times, but I thought maybe she needed time to work things out, and I didn't want to push her.

As he continued, his voice became more gravelly and tired, and he constantly stopped himself to take deep, slow breaths, trying to keep himself together. His throat kept constricting against him, but he knew he had to get it over and done with. He had to tell his story. "The day she got back to work, I bought her coffee and thought we could talk. But I bumped into Callaghan before I had a chance to see her, and he told me in no uncertain terms that Andy had suggested they go up to his cabin that night for some sexy time. Up until then, I hadn't doubted for a second that she'd want me. I thought that I literally felt the knife plunge into me. She tried to talk to me, and maybe that was my chance. I don't know. I screwed up. I brushed her off and told her 'it was what it was'..."

Sarah interrupted again, "What does that mean?"

Sam shook his head again, inwardly cursing himself for the thousandth time. "I really don't know. I pushed her away and avoided her like the plague. And to make matters worse, I beat him up." Sensing Sarah's shocked and puzzled expression, he explained, "It was retraining day. It doesn't matter. Anyway, I let her go. I watched her walk out with _him._ Apparently several days later, he found out somehow and broke up with her, but like an idiot, I lied to him to cover up for her and pushed them back together, just like I've done ever since then." He saw her raised eyebrows and heard her silent _'why?'_. He shrugged, "I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. That's all that matters, right?" He asked the question to the wind, not to her, so Sarah said nothing and simply watched him. "I've done everything in my power to get over her, to forget. But I kept holding onto the hope that one day, she'd see _me_. That Callaghan would mess up so badly that she'd come running back to me and I'd be there to hold her and pick up the pieces." He felt the lump rise in his throat, making it hard to swallow and equally hard to breathe.

"Sam, what happened?" Sarah asked for the third time.

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his hands roughly over his face. He said nothing for a few minutes and Sarah waited for him. "2 days ago, she got engaged." Sarah muffled a gasp. "I overheard her talking in the locker room. She wasn't even going to tell me – said she didn't know how to. She came into the bar later. I'd been drinking, _a lot_, and I tried to ignore her, but she wanted to talk. She told me she'd broken up with him that afternoon, that she wanted to be with me. And I, I... pushed her away.

Sarah gasped again, "What? Why?"

"God Sarah! I was hurting, really bad. Those few minutes of conversation that morning had killed me. I was dying, Sarah. But then... she said she loved me. And I, I..." He was fighting back tears, really struggling to make it through the last part. "I... I walked away. I walked away from her. Dammit Sarah! I just left her there!"

He looked down at his hands laying helplessly on his lap. Sam scrunched up his face, trying to push past the pain, but knowing he'd fail easily. Several minutes elapsed before he gulped and cleared his throat, "So, I guess that's it."

Sarah took tight hold of his hand and squeezed even harder, letting him know she was there. He looked across at her and saw her eyes brimming with tears. _Pity tears_. "Sam..." she started, but he quickly put an end to whatever she was going to say. Sam took his hand away from her grasp and stood up. "No, Sarah. Don't." She opened her mouth again, but he shook his head firmly, his eyes telling her distinctly to drop it. "I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow sis." He turned away swiftly and walked in the darkness back to the house, shoving his hands down to the bottom of his pockets and hanging his head almost to the ground. As a lone tear drifted down his cheek, he swiped at it, angered by its betrayal.

She watched her baby brother walk away from her, knowing that no matter what she said to comfort him, words were pointless. But she would try to fix this. _Tomorrow..._

_**So, this chapter is dedicated to **__**aolande1 & PSGProductions271**__**. Thanks for your awesome reviews! Thanks, everyone, for getting through that, I know it was long and drawn out but apparently it had to be done. Hope you all liked it. Thanks for all your support and I promise it'll get better – I hope! Don't forget to review!**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: In an alternate universe, Rookie Blue and Sam Swarek would be mine.**_

_**First of all, I'm so so so sorry for not updating sooner, I know you're all probably pretty mad at me, but I hope you'll stick with me for a little bit longer. Thanks to all of you for reviewing, it means so much, and I would really love it if you continued. Hope you enjoy this chapter, it's a bit different to what I imagined but I think it's ok. Anyway, let me know your thoughts...**_

Sam stayed in bed almost the entire next day, sleeping on and off as he tried to recover. At one point he heard the door open when Sarah came to check on him, but his eyes remained closed until he was sure she'd gone. He found a glass of water on the bedside table with a note.

'_Sam,_

_Gone to get groceries. Be back in an hour. Try to eat something._

_Sarah xxxx'_

He slumped back down and lay in bed staring up at the ceiling for another 20 minutes before finally convincing himself to get up. Throwing on yesterday's clothes, the first thing Sam did was check out the ice-cream situation. Claiming a half-eaten container of pistachio, he grabbed a spoon and went straight back to bed.

...

"Having fun?" Said a voice from the doorway, a touch sarcastic but more so laced with concern.

"Yep, it's a blast!" Sam replied drolly.

Sarah watched him take another mouthful and mumble something about 'What is panna cotta?.' "What _are _you doing exactly?"

"I thought it was pretty obvious. Wallowing, of course. Isn't that what women do?"

She nodded, "Mmm, but usually it involves chocolate ice-cream and really old mopey movies, not Jeopardy."

Sam snorted, "Yeah, well, the only other choices were soap-operas or Jerry Springer." There was a break in conversation for a few seconds and Sam knew the inevitable question to come.

"How are doing? _Really?_"

He inhaled deeply, before turning to look at her, giving her what he hoped resembled a small, reassuring smile. "I'll live." In his mind he finished the sentence with, '_unfortunately'_.

Sarah studied him a little longer, confirming for herself that he was ok. "So, are you planning on joining us tonight?"

"I was considering it."

"Good, cos I was hoping to convince you to make your specialty chilli for dinner, I've been craving it for ages!" She pouted and put on her best begging face.

He exaggeratedly sighed in return, "If I must, I must." Sam flicked off the tv and scrambled off the bed, ignoring his sister's grin of triumph as he walked past her into the kitchen. _She would give him a pass for today, but soon. This had to end soon._

...

Though a little quieter than usual, Sam had more or less returned back to his normal self by dinner. Or so everyone thought, with the exception of Sarah who rarely took her eyes off her brother. It was a very carefully constructed facade, but Sarah could always read him like a book, noticing the minor grimaces after he laughed, fidgeting with the cutlery, slight dullness of his eyes with the occasional flash of pain, which she took to mean that something had reminded him of _her_. He kept the conversation light and quickly deflected when her youngest asked him why he was with them instead of at work.

"Missed you too much, buddy!" he replied, ruffling up his hair, before asking them about school.

As hungry as he was, Sam couldn't force more than half the food down his throat and was struggling to keep it together. His numerous glances at the clock were not unseen by Sarah, who eventually took his plate.

"You like tired, Sammy. Maybe you should go to bed."

"Yeah, probably," he agreed, and bidding everyone goodnight, collapsed on the bed, not bothering to change. Exhaustion finally took over and he shut down again in the darkness.

...

Sarah was waiting for him when he came down to breakfast the next morning and he knew his time was up. He was almost tempted to start counting the seconds before she raised the taboo subject again. Sam managed to pour himself a coffee and just taking a seat on the stool, glanced up at his sister as she began.

"Tell me about her, Sam."

"Sarah..." he shook his head, weary and definitely opposed to continuing any form of this conversation.

"No Sam. You have to talk about it, it's the only way to get past this. It worked for me, didn't it?" She saw his look that plainly asked for her real reason. "Fine. I figure that I should probably make sure whether she's worthy of you or not, _before_ I'm forced to kick her ass for hurting my baby brother.

Sam let out the first real laugh in days.

"I'm serious, Sam."

This caused another little snort. "Yeah, I know you are, sis. But I think she'd give you a run for your money. After all, she took _me _down, and I'm awesome!"

"Of course you are, cos _I'm_ your sister!" Sarah joined in with a slight chuckle, hoping he'd give in.

He sobered up after a minute and nodded his consent. "She's 26. She has brown hair and the most gorgeous brown eyes I've ever seen. When she smiles at you, her whole face sparkles and then you notice little flickers of gold in her eyes. You can see every emotion and every thought through them and that makes her possibly the world's worst liar. It's almost impossible for her to be anything other than honest. Um, she's a terrible hooker..." and thinking he'd better explain that last comment, he smiled at Sarah before quickly continuing, "she was part of a UC operation once and she failed miserably, but I guess that's a story for another time. What else? Uh, she cares too much about everything and everyone, which is kind of bad for a cop cos she takes every case personally and gets way too involved with people on the job. But then that also makes her one of the kindest and most compassionate people you'll ever meet. And she's funny, though most of the time not intentionally so. She even laughs at my jokes!"

Sarah, who'd been listening intently and watching the kaleidoscope of expressions in Sam's eyes, now jumped in with, "Please tell me you didn't do the hambulance joke!" He grinned and nodded. "She laughed?" He nodded again. "Unbelievable!" she muttered under her breath though still loud enough for Sam to hear.

"Hey! It's a classic!" Then realising he was getting side-tracked, brought his focus back. "She's of course completely sexy but she's really shy about it, and how she can pull off sexy and adorable at the same time is beyond me. Seriously, she's like a big kid. Her eyes light up whenever I buy her an ice-cream or chocolate bar, and she acts like it's the best present ever. I remember one time when we stopped in at McDonald's and she ordered a soft serve cone, and she licked around the outside until it was smooth and then drew a smiley face on it with her finger. When she turned it around to show it to me, I think I made some comment about her being like a 5yr-old and she burst into a fit of giggles. Apparently it was her tradition or something." Sam shook his head at the memory, smiling softly. "Um, she pouts when she doesn't get her own way and crosses her arms like she's in a huff but I always manage to say something stupid just so I can see the little tug of her lips as she's trying to stay mad at me. She's big on talking about anything and everything – I think I said once that she was allergic to silence – but for a talker, she hardly ever reveals anything personal about herself or her past. Andy's had a pretty rough life, and that's really knocked her about. I won't go into details cos it's her story to tell, not mine. But needless to say, she has some fairly major trust issues and she's afraid to let anyone get too close."

Sarah noticed him go really quiet and the sadness seeped back into his eyes. She knew he was dwelling on memories, so she waited it out, wanting him to continue in his own time. A couple of minutes passed in silence before she heard his voice again.

"The night she saved me, she followed me into the parking lot of the bar and asked me a whole bunch of questions about the day. Then she hesitantly asked me if I was scared back there. I almost answered no, Sam Swarek is not afraid of anything, but there was something about the tone of her voice, I dunno, I can't describe it, but in any case, I told her the truth. When I asked it back, I expected her to say the same. Instead, her eyes showed absolute certainty as she looked at me and I'll never forget what she said. No, she wasn't scared, because I was there. Since then, we've had each other's backs through almost everything and there's no one I'd rather work with than her. She can read me almost as easily as I can her, and no matter what happens, whatever we go through, she always manages to pull me out of my moods. But no matter how hard I try to protect her, she's practically cursed with bad luck. She's a danger magnet and every time something goes wrong I feel like my heart is going to explode in panic. I know you won't want to hear this Sarah, but there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep her safe, including taking a bullet for her if it meant she'd be ok." He saw her pained expression, but pushed on anyway, determined to finish what he had to say and be done with it. Then he might heal. "Honestly, Sarah, I don't know if I could survive if anything happened to her. She means everything to me, Sarah. I... I love her."

She reached over and gently gripped his hand, sensing his agony. She saw him grimace as he attempted to swallow a couple of times. By the time he started up again, his voice was entirely different. "But it doesn't really matter what _I_ think of her."

"Yes it does, Sam." Sarah's voice was urgent. "Have you told her anything of this?"

Sam shook his head, "She doesn't want me. She doesn't need me like I need her and I think it's best for all parties concerned for me to just leave, let her live her life."

"What do you mean? What have you done, Sam?" She began to worry that he was going back under.

"I've applied for a transfer and until that's approved, I'll be taking a break from the force." He pushed out a short breath, "You never know, maybe I'll move back here." He patted her knee as he stood. "I'm just going for a walk, clear my head." Receiving a small smile in response, he grabbed his jacket and turned away.

"You can't keep running, Sam," she called after him.

Sam paused and slowly looked back, his voice soft and hopeless. "I'm not running. I'm just trying to forget."

...

It took Sarah a full 20 minutes to process everything he'd said and she knew that was probably the last time she'd ever get him to talk about her again. But she also knew that no matter how much he argued against to, Sam needed to talk to Andy again, to resolve it the best they could, otherwise she'd be left with a shell of a brother, no heart and no soul. And at the moment, there was only one thing for her do.

Punching in the familiar numbers, Sarah heard the dial tone and then a friendly voice came across.

"Oliver?"

After a slight pause, "Sarah? Is Sam ok? Is he with you? What's happened?"

"Yes he's with me, and he's fine. Well, if you can call his current bout of depression 'fine'... Now, how come you're on reception? Streets had enough of you?"

"Yeah yeah, funny. It's my rotation apparently..." She heard him take a deep breath over the line. "I take it you heard?"

Sarah nodded through the phone, "I've never seen him like this Ollie. He's walking around completely despondent and I can barely keep the light in his eyes for more than a few seconds. I've gotten him to talk about it a couple of times, but after, it's like he's been broken even more and it throws him into another wave of anguish. He's deteriorating fast and I'm not sure how much longer he's gonna hold up."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, Andy's been in bed for three days so far, literally unable to get up. She keeps passing out from exhaustion. She was practically unconscious for most of the first day, and since then she's been alternating between crying her eyes out and sleeping it off. We've had to keep a 24-hour visual on her in case she does something. Sarah she's been having severe nightmares, and hasn't eaten since it happened. The last report was the she'd already lost a lot of weight, maybe 10 or 11 pounds, and she's extremely weak. Look, I know Sam's your brother and you have every right to want to look out for him, to protect him, but all I'm saying is, just don't be too hard on her ok? She's been through a hell of a lot already."

"So she should!" Though Sarah's heart went out to her, loyalty to her brother won over and she could not keep the bitterness out of her voice.

"Sarah..." Olive shook his head in warning.

"Yeah I know. Just tell me something, Oliver. Is she worth it? Does she deserve him?"

She heard him hesitate slightly before his firm, unwavering voice came back. "No one deserves Sam... but he deserves her."

Sarah mulled on that reply for a few moments, before speaking again. "Will she come?" 

"She loves him, of course she'll come. I have no doubt in my mind."

"Thanks Oliver."

"Make sure he comes back to us, Sarah."

"I'll try, but that's really up to her."

...

Sam didn't return till well after dinner that night, and though Sarah was worried, she knew he needed the time and space. There was nothing more that she could do, except wait, and pray she came really soon...

_**So, another chapter bites the dust. Again, I'm so sorry for taking so long. No excuse really except for severe writer's block. Every time I've tried to write this chapter, another story takes over my mind. But I've managed to push through it and really hope you liked this chapter. Thanks so much for reading and bearing with me. I promise I'll have at least 1 more chapter up in the next couple of days. Problem is, I don't know how to end it! Anyway, I'd love to hear your comments, so please please please REVIEW!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: **__**I'm **__**not **__**gonna **__**keep **__**saying **__**it. **__**It**__**'**__**s **__**way **__**too **__**depressing **__**to **__**think **__**that **__**neither **__**Rookie **__**Blue **__**or **__**Sam **__**Swarek **__**are **__**mine. **__**I **__**guess **__**I **__**can **__**only **__**dream.**_

_**Ok**__** – **__**please **__**don**__**'**__**t **__**kill **__**me!**__**I **__**really **__**am **__**sorry **__**that **__**I **__**haven**__**'**__**t **__**updated **__**sooner **__**but **__**the **__**truth **__**is **__**I've **__**been **__**thinking **__**about **__**this **__**story **__**every day **__**and **__**trying **__**my **__**hardest **__**to **__**figure **__**out **__**what **__**comes **__**next. **__**In **__**the **__**end, **__**this **__**is **__**what **__**I **__**came **__**up **__**with **__**and **__**I **__**hope **__**you **__**all **__**like **__**it. **__**Unfortunately **__**I **__**don't **__**- **__**I **__**even **__**went **__**through **__**and **__**re-read **__**my **__**previous **__**chapters **__**and **__**honestly **__**I **__**hated **__**them **__**so **__**much **__**that I **__**was **__**on **__**the **__**verge **__**of **__**deleting **__**the **__**story **__**completely. **__**But, **__**I **__**didn't, I **__**need **__**to **__**finish **__**it **__**I **__**guess. **__**Anyway, **__**thanks **__**so **__**much **__**for **__**your **__**support **__**so **__**far **__**and **__**putting **__**up **__**with **__**my **__**long **__**absences. **__**I **__**really **__**hope **__**this **__**makes **__**up **__**for **__**it. **__**Don**__**'**__**t **__**forget **__**to **__**review **__**and **__**tell **__**me **__**what **__**you **__**think!**_

She'd been sitting outside for over half an hour, bracing her head against the steering wheel, incapable of stopping the torrent of tears that were making her cheeks red and her eyes swollen and puffy. A tiny thought briefly flew into her head that she'd have to clean the mascara and waterworks off the steering wheel before returning the car to her father. But at the moment, it was the least of her concerns.

_How __could __she __fix __this? __What __on __earth __could __she __possibly __say __to __make __him __change __his __mind? __Would __he __even __be __here?__ What __if __he __refused __to __see __her? __And __what __about __his __sister?__Surely __she __must __know __by __now; __she__'__ll __already __hate __her __without __giving __her __a __chance. __Who __was __she __kidding?__ She __didn__'__t __deserve __a __chance. __Was __she __supposed __to __stroll __up __to __the __front __door __and __say, __"__Sorry, __I __know __I've __ruined __your __brother__'__s __life __and __treated __him __like __crap, __but __now __that __I've __finally __lost __him, __I __want __him __back?__" __Yep, __that __would __go __down __really __well._

Her hysterical sobbing was harshly and abruptly interrupted by a wrap on the window. Andy literally jumped in her seat at the sound and hastily tried to swipe away any evidence of her crying, when she saw a petite brunette staring at her with the same intense dark eyes that she'd know for almost 2 years. This could only mean one thing: She was a Swarek.

As she rolled down the window, she couldn't tell if the expression on her face was anger, hatred, or just an absolute scrutinising of everything. Probably all three, mingled with a fierce loyalty to her brother.

She had to say something, to make her understand why she had the nerve to be here.

"I, I..." Andy managed to stutter out before she was stopped.

When she finally spoke, her voice was cold and calculating, telling Andy in no uncertain terms that she had been expected. "I guess you'd better come inside then." Sarah had her arms folded and her eyes bore straight through her. Then, just as quickly as she appeared, Sarah left, not even waiting for a response before turning her back on Andy and walking towards the house, without looking behind to see if she was following.

...

Andy stepped hesitantly inside the house behind Sarah, glancing around each of the rooms she passed by, expecting to see Sam somewhere in the house waiting for her. A voice broke through her inner musings.

"He's not here, if that's what you were thinking." Sarah kept striding forward to the kitchen, her eyes trained ahead. "He's out for the day. You didn't really think I'd bring _you_ in here if he was still in the house, did you?" Then added almost as an afterthought, muttering under her breath, "I value my life far too much."

Andy didn't say anything, surprised by the fact that during the entire monologue thus far, Sarah hadn't once bothered to turn around and look at her. _How __did __she __know __that's __what __she __was __wondering?__ It __really __must __be __a __Swarek __thing. __He __was __always __able __to __read __her __like __a __book, __a __cheap __novel __without __her __even __saying __a __thing._ Andy was starting to firmly believe that maybe he was the nicer one out of the family. In truth, she didn't know whether Sarah was just going to yell at her, give her a lecture, or whether she had something far more sinister in mind as payback for destroying her brother.

By the time she reached the kitchen, Sarah had placed 2 mugs on the table and began pouring coffee into them, pushing the sugar pot towards her and with a flick of the wrist, indicating that she should help herself. An awkward, tense silence engulfed the room as Sarah leaned against the counter, alternating between sipping her coffee and studying Andy. Andy, on the other hand, did everything in her power to avoid the steady gaze being levelled at her, running her finger around the rim of the coffee cup and trying to focus on the little specks in the granite bench top.

Sarah waited her out, knowing that eventually she would have to confess and attempt to make her hate her less.

Eventually, after a period of 3 minutes, but which felt more like hours, Andy couldn't avoid it any longer. She was here to make amends, to fix what she broke and she had to start now. She opened her mouth to begin, but nothing came out. She tried again. "I'm... I'm..."

"If the next words out of your mouth are I'm sorry, you might as well save it, cos I don't really care that you're sorry. All _I_ care about is that you hurt my brother and now I want to hear why, and what you plan on doing to set this matter straight. And believe me, this explanation had better be pretty damn good."

Andy ducked her head and nodded slightly, not knowing how to begin. She was quiet for another few moments, sorting through thoughts and images in her brain, trying to piece together the words to express herself and her failings. "I don't want to make excuses. I don't deserve his forgiveness _or_ yours, but I need to try anyway.I just... whatever I say won't make up for what I've done, but I need to try and explain _everything_ and maybe then I'll have a chance to make this ok again."

With a tiny dip of her head, Sarah encouraged her to start.

"I'm pretty sure by now, Sam's told you my history." Andy looked up, surprised, to see Sarah shake her head in the negative.

"He said something about it being you story to tell not his."

"Ok, well I guess I'll start there then. My mother - I was 14 when my mother disappeared. She just decided one night that she couldn't handle living with my father and me, and she packed up and left, leaving behind only a brief note to say 'she didn't want to be a part of our family anymore, she needed to get away and start afresh.' After that my father started drinking, like, a lot, and basically after ruining several major cases in the detective department he got kicked off the force. Everything hit me pretty hard, but I got through it. Around that time I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. Ever since then, I guess, I've built so many walls around me that I find it difficult to let people in. I just don't trust people, anyone really," she paused for a moment and glanced away, "everyone except Sam." Andy shook her head to bring herself back from dwelling on him.

"Anyway, um, I started going out with all the wrong guys because I knew they'd never mean enough to me to be able to hurt me when they eventually left - because everyone always leaves - and I figured the 'relationships' would never last long enough to go anywhere and so I'd never have to worry about things getting too serious. If I didn't feel, I couldn't hurt."

"When I first met Sam, after I found out he was an undercover cop, which I'm sure he's told you about our, um, _interesting_ beginning, I was attracted to him. And the first day we worked together, I saw a glimpse of the kind of person he really was beneath his bad-cop persona. He threw out everything, his entire undercover operation just to save a girl who helped him when he was under. I knew then that he was the kind of cop I wanted to be, to be able to put people first ahead of the job. And I started to fall for him. But he was my training officer, so I pushed my feelings back and pretended like he was just my partner and meant nothing to me, but I knew, each day I kept falling for him a little more." She took a moment to take a deep breath, ready for the next part of her tale which would surely make Sarah angry. "I made a conscious decision to get involved with Luke precisely because he wasn't Sam. See, Sam had this way of working through each of my barriers, I don't know how he did it, but I could feel him getting closer and it freaked me out a little. At first I thought Sam might be like all the other wrong guys I dated, but I quickly found out otherwise, and I wanted to pick the _good_ guy - or who I thought was the good guy - so I picked Luke. He was stable, good-looking, a detective, and everything every girl should want. I convinced myself of that. But then one night when I needed him most, he chose work over me and to be honest, even if he was there, I wanted Sam. I knew he'd be there for me, he understood everything without me having to say anything, and he would make the pain go away. So I went to his house and I, um..."

"The night of the blackout," Sarah interrupted quietly.

Andy whipped her head up in shock. "He told you?" Seeing Sarah nod, she felt another wave of guilt wash over her, but she pushed through it to continue. "So, uh, I, um... the blackout happened and Luke rang and I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't be... my mother. So I left. I was upset and confused, and I didn't know what to do. On my first day back, I went to talk to Sam about it but he brushed me off, said 'it was what it was' and acted like it meant nothing to him. I felt sick, like I'd been winded. And then Luke said that Sam told him 'as far as he was concerned, I was all Luke's'. And I was hurt even more. I'd made a fool out of myself because he obviously didn't feel the same way and I'd screwed up big time. I knew then that I could never let Sam in close to me again because if that was it felt like when he abandoned me and left, then it would only be so much worse if we started something and the inevitable break-up happened. I couldn't survive him leaving me."

"I'm not gonna lie and say that I never knew how he felt about me. I knew that everyday he would do anything to make me happy and to protect me, but I was scared of losing him. Even after I treated him so badly, he was always there for me, through everything, especially when Luke wasn't, and I knew I could count on him to have my back. Even when my Dad was suspected of murder, Sam did everything he could to solve it, to save my dad and me. He's there when it matters."

"He always is." Sarah agreed, gradually losing some of her initial spite and venom against the weak girl in front of her. _She__did__look__skinny._

"But the truth is, I used him. I'm not denying it. I used Sam because I needed him. I had Luke to keep Sam far enough away so I wouldn't get hurt, and yet I also kept Sam as my best friend, always around me because honestly, I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't there. I _need_ him." Andy trailed off into a memory, almost unconsciously mumbling the words, "I can't imagine my life without him in it."

She blinked and realised Sarah was still staring at her. "I was scared," she finally admitted, "I was so scared of what I was feeling for him every time I saw him, and I tried to run and hide, but I couldn't. Then, Luke proposed and wanted so badly for it to be Sam kneeling down in front of me, but it wasn't and so I panicked and said yes, knowing how much it would hurt Sam, _and_ me, but it was what every girl would have wanted. But you can't _live_ if you don't take chances, right? Everyone knew it, hell, even Luke knew it - I was settling for second-best, willing to give up my future to be with a man who I didn't love. And I'm so sorry that it took me that long to work it out but I never meant to hurt your brother, you have to believe that. But I did. I didn't want to tell him because I knew that it would make it real, that I'd be losing him. I saw the look on his face when he found out and I...I..." Andy started to tear up again, and began furiously rubbing at her eyes. "I couldn't go through with it. At that point it didn't matter that I'd be ruining what was supposed to be the ideal future, and risking eventual heartache to be with Sam. I just knew I had to be with him. I'd watched him dying inside and I tried to fix it, to tell him how sorry I was and that I wasn't engaged anymore because I couldn't be without him. But I guess it was too late. The damage was already done."

She sniffed a little and tried to keep it together. "I've come to try one last time. To get him to forgive me. I know the chances are pretty slim that he'll give me a second chance after what I've put him through, but I have to try. I need him to see how much I love him. That if he ever let me into his life again, I would never let him go." Andy sobbed as her emotions broke free again and buried her face into her hands, ashamed. She felt a pair of hands wrap around her shoulders and looked up to see Sarah bending in to hug her, pulling back only when Andy had calmed herself.

Andy winced slightly as she prepared herself for a thorough tongue-lashing; and no doubt she deserved it, but she'd stick it out as long as she could see Sam again. Instead, Sarah pushed a bit of paper towards her, with some vague directions scrawled on it. Andy looked into her eyes which had dramatically warmed since the beginning, and received a small smile of reassurance.

"He likes to sit by the bay and think. He'll be there." Sarah hesitated while she took a little time to process everything. _He __deserves __her._ She'd made a mistake and was doing everything in her power to fix it. She was even ready to endure verbal abuse from his sister, with the possibility of being forever hated by her, in order to be with Sam. When Sarah looked at her, though vulnerable, she could see the faint embers of the fire and steely determination her brother talked of, and the love, definitely the love. _He __deserves __her._"He loves you, Andy," Sarah added in a low voice, deadly serious, "And I think you may be the only one able to bring him back to the way he was. Do whatever you can. But I swear, if you hurt him again, I _will_ find you and make your life hell."

Andy nodded emphatically, grabbing the piece of paper and holding onto it for dear life, "I know." Sarah held her eyes for a moment longer before returning the nod, slowly, and then with a wave of her hand, shooed Andy out the door. She watched from the threshold as the little car headed down the lane and out of sight...

...

She pulled up just behind his silver truck and looked out across the water, steadying herself for what she was about to do. Her mind was running around in circles, trying to come up with something, _anything_, that she could say to make everything go back to normal, to the way things were before she betrayed him.

A little distance away, near the shoreline, Andy noticed a familiar dark, hunched-over figure sitting on the grassy ledge that then joined to the sand. Taking a deep, unsteady breath, she stepped out of the car, watching him as stared at some unknown thing in front of him in a daze. _She __caused __this. __How __could __she __be __so __selfish? __So __heartless? __She'd __broken __him._

Andy advanced, slowly and quietly, not knowing what to say or how to approach him. She knew that there was a very strong likelihood of him not even wanting to see her ever again and that he would just get up and leave as soon as he saw her. But she had to get him to listen.

She stopped maybe 4 or 5 metres behind him, fearful of how he'd react. She could feel her heart beating out of her chest, and thought it was loud enough for even him to hear it. But he didn't turn, didn't even look up or acknowledge her, and she was positive that he hadn't heard her footsteps, cowardly grateful that she had a few extra seconds to watch him and compose herself before she made herself known to him and incurred his wrath.

Hence, she was visibly startled when a deep voice rumbled out from the figure slumped in front of her.

"I could never trust Sarah to leave things alone, not to push at things and try to fix things which don't involve her." Sam still hadn't turned around and she didn't know how he knew she was there, but his words, though not really even directed at her, acted as Sam's slight acknowledgement of her presence.

Andy cautiously moved closer and stared at his profile a little longer before she sat down next to him. The whole while, his eyes were firmly fixed ahead at a little cluster of geese on the water. She sighed before starting what would probably be the hardest and most important conversation of her life. "I don't expect you to forgive me, and I'm sure I'm not worthy of it, but all I've got left is hope, hope that maybe one day you won't hate me so much, and that you might actually be able to look at me and not see the horrible things I've done to you." She paused, but when didn't say anything, she continued, "I was scared. It may sound like a feeble excuse but it's the truth. I was terrified that if I admitted my feelings for you that eventually you'd find out that I'm nowhere near perfect and you'd leave me. Sam, you mean so much to me, that it got to the point where I couldn't bear it if you walked away from me. Every single one of my relationships has ended up a disaster and I figured that if I kept you just as my friend, I would have you with me forever. It doesn't make any logical sense, I know, but I honestly don't think I could live without you by my side, reassuring me, protecting me, just being there for me through everything. I used you so badly and I know there's nothing I can say that will possibly fix this, Sam, but I need you to know that I meant everything I said when I told you I love you. I always have. It may have felt like I was stabbing you in the back, but I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't want to lose you and I knew as soon as I said it, you'd be gone, you'd leave and I couldn't face it. Every day, every moment I wished I was with you, not Luke," For the first time since she sat down, Andy saw his facial expression change as he cringed at the mention of Luke, but then it quickly reverted back to blank. "I kept seeing you putting that ring on my finger, not him, and I wanted so badly for us to be real, not just my imagination."

She struggled to hold back her tears as he finally turned to face her, the agony etched into his features even though he tried to mask it. She hoped he could see how serious she was, that everything she said was truth.

His eyes took in her slightly sunken eyes and ragged appearance. She definitely didn't look the same as when he left, like the week had been harder on her than him. She'd clearly lost a lot more weight than was healthy for someone her size. She looked shaky, like she knew at any moment he'd leave again and with one word she'd probably burst into tears.

Andy looked straight into his eyes and said the last thing that came into her mind, the only thing that her future was resting on. This was her last plea. "I screwed up. But I swear to God, Sam, that if you give me a second chance I will to do anything and everything to fix this. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you and trying to be worthy of you and I promise you there will not be a single day that I won't love you and do everything in my power to make you happy. Just please... please give me that chance."

Her eyes darted between his as she let him process her petition, waiting for what seemed like a lifetime in anxiousness before he answered. Sam gently took her hand in his and flipped it over, tracing the lines on her palm as he struggled with his decision. Finally, at length he spoke, his voice soft and full of emotion, "I know you're sorry Andy, I do and I know you didn't mean to hurt me like you did, but here we are. I understand why... I get it, honestly. I want you to know... I do forgive you, Andy, and I don't hate you. I never have and I probably never could even if I tried, cos that fact is... I love you, and I can't see a day in the distant future when I will ever stop loving you." Sam stopped for a second to look up into her eyes, knowing how his words would hit her. "But, as much as I love you, Andy - and I really do, you must believe that - I don't think I can ever forget what's happened. I can't just block it out of my memory and move on. I don't think I could ever survive going through something like this again. I, uh... I can't be with you, Andy. I just... I can't do this anymore. I have to at least _attempt_ to get past this and start again. I'm done, it's over. I, I... uh" he let out a breath as he saw the hurt seep through her gorgeous brown eyes and hated himself for causing this. "I'm sorry, but... I can't be with you, Andy. I'm sorry."

She knew there was a possibility, but if she confessed, she always thought he'd find a way to forgive her and let them finally be together. Andy glanced down at their intertwined hands and knew that this would be the last moment that they'd ever get to spend together and the realisation hit her like a ton of bricks. She tried to shake away the tears but there was no stopping them. She looked up at his beautiful face again as the tears striped their way down her cheeks, crying silently as she tried vainly to control her breathing. She saw his eyes full of sorrow and pity, even now wishing he could take away her pain.

Andy nodded as she peered at him through the rain of tears leaking out of her eyes. She kept nodding, strengthening each nod with the awareness of what his words meant. "I... I get it. You're right. You've made the right decision. I'm sorry... I should go now." She was still nodding as they both stood up, almost as if she was reaffirming to herself that this was actually happening, that this was the end of something great.

"Andy..." Sam started, unsure of what he was trying to say.

"No... it's ok, Sam. I'll be ok. I'm just... I'm so sorry Sam." Andy leaned forward, putting a hand on each of his cheeks to bring him closer. Placing a small, heartbroken kiss on his lips, she pulled back and dropped her hands. As her final goodbye, she whispered, "Take care, Sam."

He barely caught the words, "I love you," before she turned away and headed for the car, her head dropped low and body disintegrated with every step she took further away from him. He could see the tears drop onto the ground. Sam watched as she reached the car and hopped in, fumbling with the seatbelt several times before she slotted it in. She reached a hand up to wipe away the now steady flow of tears. She never looked back at him. She pulled the car out slowly, as if she couldn't really control her movements, not sure of anything anymore.

Even as she reached the end of the road, she never looked back...

_**Ok, so I've finally reached the end of another chapter. Don't worry, this is not the final one. I promised myself I would eventually end it on a happy note, but currently I'm not entirely sure how to do that, so if you could give me any suggestions that would really be appreciated! Soooo... Did you like it? Was it ok? I hope it wasn't too bad. Thanks again for reading it. Sorry if it was too long. Please please please let me know your thoughts - so, you know what that means: PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks! Hopefully it won't be too long before another chapter is up!**_


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer: Maybe I'll get Rookie Blue and Sam for my birthday on next Sunday - a girl can dream.**_

_**Don't kill me please! I hope my long absences haven't caused you to give up on me. Sorry, sorry, sorry. This story is for "MPRN; Exuperance18; tdolphins27; khub; and basically everyone else who's given me great ideas and has since been trying to persuade me to continue! Hope you all like it - please review!**_

By the time he returned, Sarah had paced the floor to death, gnawed away at 2 fingernails until they almost started to bleed, and was seriously on her way to creating a major hole in her stomach as she began to sip on her 5th cup of coffee, bouncing her knee in impatience. She thought maybe it was the excess caffeine that caused her to jolt up and all but sprint into the hallway when she heard the soft click of the front door.

She watched in silence as he dropped his keys on the hallway table, kicked off his shoes and sidled past her into the kitchen, all the while not even glancing up for a second to acknowledge her presence.

By the time he'd pulled out the new tub of ice cream, cookie-dough this time he noted as he scrunched up his nose slightly and then gave a passive shrug as he accepted it and went in search of a spoon, Sarah had well and truly given up on 'time and space'.

"Well?" Sarah opened up her hands, palms up, as if she could see no possible reason why he wouldn't want to discuss this with her.

"Well what?" Sam barely looked up for a second before turning away again to locate the chocolate sauce. _If you're gonna die of a sugar overload, you might as well do it in style._

"Well... I presume she found you," she saw a minute nod of his head, "so then, where is she?"

Sam made a big display of checking his watch before collecting his stash and walking past her again. "I presume halfway back to Toronto by now." His voice was a little scratchy, but soft, just murmuring his words.

"WHAT?" Sarah screeched, pulling her brother back to face her, gripping onto his shoulders to keep him stationary.

He sighed. _God, he really didn't want to do this right now_. He tried to keep the narky, adolescent tone out of his voice but really didn't care that it broke through anyway. "She came, we talked, she left, and now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed." Sam half-heartedly attempted to move away from her grip, but ultimately knew she would never let him off that lightly.

"Samuel Swarek, you are not going anywhere until you explain to me exactly what happened!" Sarah tightened her hold on him and fixed him with a Swarek-glare.

Sam hung his head, then flicked the lid off the ice cream tub with his thumb and dropped it onto the bench before stuffing his mouth with a heaped spoonful. Finally, licking the remnants from his lips, he cleared his throat and started. "We talked, okay? And she asked for forgiveness, which I gave, and then in a nutshell, pleaded with me to give her a second chance."

"And you said...?"

"And I said no." His voice was devoid of emotion, like he'd accepted his fate and was swiftly moving on. _Except that he wasn't and she knew it._

"WHAT?"

"Sarah, _please_stop doing that. It's really loud and I already have a headache."

"What the f... _hell_is the matter with you?" Sarah clipped him on his ear, before ignoring his tiny yelp and continued her rant. "You've spent the last half a week pining and moping and practically crying your eyes out over this girl cos you think she doesn't love you, and now, when she shows up basically on your doorstep, begging you to forgive her and love her back, you reject her - AGAIN - and walk away - AGAIN! Are you outta your mind?"

"No Sarah, I'm not!" Sam blurted out, finally losing his cool and letting every emotion flow from him that he'd bottled away as he watched her drive off. "I told her I loved her, but I can't just take her into my arms and pray that one day I would wake up and miraculously forget everything that's happened. It's not like I made this decision lightly, Sarah, and seeing her walk out of my life for good, is worse than anything I've ever gone through, even in the past few days, but it was the right thing to do, I know that. It wouldn't have worked. This way, maybe eventually things will go back to normal and I won't be stuck with this god-awful knife stabbing into my chest. This is the only way I can be me again. I had to do it."

"No, you didn't Sam! Who says it wouldn't have worked out? Huh? I can't believe you're willing to let the girl of your dreams go without so much as _trying_ to work it out! Look, Sammy, you're my brother and I love you to bits, but you're an idiot! I heard her story Sam, she made a mistake and now she's doing everything in her power to fix it and she deserves that chance. You love her, she loves you, and now there's nothing standing in the way of your once in a lifetime chance at real happiness except for the fact that you're too busy holding onto a grudge and focused on punishing her for the rest of her life!"

Sam's voice erupted into a harsh shout, taking his pain out on the nearest person. "There's nothing to fix! And don't you dare tell me how to run _my_ life and _my _relationships! I've made my decision and that's final. It's over, I'm done. And what's more, this WHOLE CONVERSATION is done!" Sam finally extricated himself from her fingers and stormed off down the hallway towards the spare room.

"Well I'll tell you what,_ baby brother_. I'm not gonna sit here and watch you throw your life away, so the next thing I'd better see is you packing your things and heading back to Toronto to sort this thing out once and for all!" Sarah stood in the doorway with her arms folded and her foot jutted out as she easily thwarted Sam's attempt at slamming the door in her face.

Sam flung himself onto the bed, propping himself up against the backboard and began to furiously stab into the ice cream. "I'm NOT going back to Toronto!"

"Well if you think you're gonna sleep your life away here, you've got another thing coming. It's not as if you're gonna wake up and find that this is all just one massive misunderstanding or that it never actually happened at all, just a bad dream."

He sighed and felt the fight leave his body, instantly replaced by the familiar feelings of equal parts numbness and aching. His voice turned to a whisper as the loneliness of his future enveloped him. "That's not it. It's just, when I sleep, then I dream of how good everything used to be, how every day I'd get to see her, talk to her, laugh with her, and know that even if the world went to hell and back, if she was there nothing else mattered. When I'm asleep, I'm not forced to pretend that every second she's gone isn't killing me bit by bit. And the longer I'm asleep, the less time I have left to face my life without her in it. But then I wake up, and every feeling and memory of what I've lost is more acute than before and all I want to do is to shut myself away until I can carve out every skerrick of her that's left in me, until I ..." his words broke off as his body racked with sobs and tears started streaming their way down his cheeks. He felt her arms wrap tightly around him shielding him and murmuring nothings in his ear. Sam suddenly felt 5 years old again as he tried to gulp down air and compose himself, all the while clinging to his sister like a life-raft.

"Sam..." she began, ready to try again to convince him to change his mind.

"No, Sarah," he interrupted, knowing exactly what she would say. He released his grip on her and pushed back, tucking himself down underneath the duvet until only his head and hands were peeking out. "I'm not going back. Please... just... just... let me be."

Sarah blinked at him a couple of times, before leaning in to brush a kiss to his forehead. Without another word, she stood and left the room, quietly closing the door behind her.

...

The shrill ringing of Sam's mobile roused Sarah from her partial slumber in front of the television. It took her 3 attempts as fumbling on the coffee table behind her before her hand found the phone.

"Hello?"

"No, I'm his sister."

"He's asleep right now, can't you just tell me what this is about?"

"WHAT? Where? What happened? Is she ok?"

"No I'm not family, but..."

"Surely you can give me _something!_"

"Fine. We'll leave right away, we'll be there as soon as we can."

...

Sam jolted awake when Sarah threw back the door, flicked the light on and began immediately chucking his few belongings into his bag.

"What the hell is going on Sarah?" He folded a hand over his face to block out the light. Sam squinted at the alarm clock next to him and faintly made out the red blinking numbers. _11:27PM. _"Do you realise what time it is?"

"Sam, you've gotta get up!" Sarah didn't pause to look at his face, but instead continued bundling his clothes into the bag and flung it at him.

"You're not seriously kicking me out at _this_ time of night!" Her behaviour shocked him as he struggled to sit up and concentrate on what was happening.

"Sam, where's your keys? I'm taking you back to Toronto." Her movements were frantic as she tried to bustle him out of bed, grateful he hadn't changed his clothes from earlier, and finally lunged at the keys on the top of the dresser without waiting for his response.

"What? I told you, Sarah, I'm not going back. Now give me my damn keys back and let me go back to sleep!"

Sarah roughly shook her head, her eyes wide and panicked. "No Sam, you don't understand. Andy got into an accident. She's at Victoria Mercy Hospital."

Sam stood there still for a second as his brain processed it. Then his feet were into action, running him out the door before he could even think to respond.

...

Only 3 blocks away from the bay, Andy had pulled over under a little cluster of trees and hugged her knees close to her as she buried her face in them and quietly sobbed away her grief. She felt her chest tighten, almost crushing her, and she struggled to breathe. Andy ripped open the door and stumbled out into the woodland, doubling over and heaving. It was then that it occurred to how just how little she'd eaten.

Finally straightening up and taking measured, exaggerated breaths, Andy climbed back in and stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot, mascara trailed down her cheeks until it pooled in little droplets at her chin, and her mouth was set in a permanent quiver. Andy closed her eyes for a moment to try and block it all out, before turning on the ignition and driving away again, not bothering to fix her appearance at all.

She sat in silence because the every station on the radio seemed to haunt her. Songs of love and loss and heartache that could never in their wildest dreams compare to what was consuming her, until in a tiny fit of anger, slammed it off so she was left by herself once again to brood.

Andy sat in the car for a few hours, staring at the blank wall in front of her and dabbing at her face, until she was absolutely positive everyone from her shift had gone and the only a few unfamiliar faces trickled in and out. Taking the back entrance and most inconspicuous route, she slipped into Frank's office. Tucking her hands into her pockets, she stood by the door, wanting to escape as quickly as possible once she'd completed her task. _It had to be this way_, she kept telling herself, repeating it like a mantra until maybe one day she might actually believe it.

When he finally glanced up from his stack of paperwork, Frank flinched, unaware of her presence, but quickly recovered, seeing her face and knew instantly the outcome of their meeting. "McNally? What're you doing here? You're not due till Monday?"

When she replied, Andy's voice was tired and worn thin, raw like she's been choked from the inside, out. "Sir, I, uh... I'm transferring to 27th, sir, starting Monday. I can fill out the forms now, if you like, and get them sent away immediately." She probably would have kept babbling if he hadn't stopped her.

"McNally... Andy, what happened? Is Sam coming back? You two worked it out, right? Its fixed?"

She merely shook her head, wanting to avoid opening herself up again. "And I think you should rip up his transfers. I'll be gone so there's no need to worry about that, but he'll need his friends with him, to protect him and keep him ... s-safe." Her tongue tripped over the last word and her voice shook again. "If he goes to GnG, who knows what'll happen to him."

"But..." Frank tried to interrupt and throw in another alternative, but Andy was having none of it.

"No, sir... please. This is the way it has to be."

...

An hour later, when she left the station once again, it was dark and clearly had been raining. Andy shoved her copy of her application on the passenger seat with her purse and turned out onto the quiet road, not exactly knowing where she was headed. She had no home, only Traci's spare bed or her father's couch, and neither option would be feasible without a full explanation of events which she just knew she couldn't handle right now.

Andy stopped at a set of lights and once again the realisation and memories of it all hit her with full force until the lights became blurry and she only just managed to make out that they had changed to green. Slowly accelerating, Andy was unaware of the blue Sedan that was hurtling around the corner on her left until it was too late. All she felt was the crunch of metal and the smell of burning rubber until everything turned black.

...

"Andy Mc-McNally, where is she?" Sam skidded to a halt in front of the nurse's station gasping and frantic, with Sarah running through the doors not far behind.

"Um, 3rd corridor on the right. She in ICU at the moment, so only family members can -"

But Sam had already disappear down the hallway, his head whipping right and left until he found the right path. The little group was huddled together at the end of the corridor, coffee in everyone's hands, and fear-stricken faces on all.

"Ollie! What happened? Is she ok? What did the doctor say?" His feet partially drowned out his words as they pounded along the floor.

Oliver looked up from his staring contest with the floor, startled by the voice, but seeing his friend's face, knew he needed to take immediate steps at damage control before Sam flew into a frenzy. "They, uh, won't tell us anything right now, except that she's just come out of surgery about 20 minutes ago. None of us are family, so they won't let us through. I tried to call Tommy but he's not answering his phone..." He trailed off when he realised Sam was contemplating whether barging through those doors and demanding to see her would make any kind of difference. "Sam... she's gonna be fine, ok? She's a fighter." Oliver put his hand on his shoulder, but Sam immediately pushed it off. Turning to Sarah, she gave him a little shrug before he looked back at Sam who was now scrubbing his face raw.

"Was she drunk?"

"What?"

"I said, was she drunk?"

"Why would she..." Oliver stopped when he saw the glare and realised she might have had ample reason to drown out her life. "No, she wasn't, but the other guy was."

"What other guy?" Sam's head shot up and eyes flashed in anger, thinking maybe she'd gone back to Callaghan already or perhaps just picked up a warm body in a random bar for company, to lose herself again.

"The driver of the other car. He ran a red light and smashed into the driver's side door. He's here as well, but only for a mild concussion."

"I'll kill him," Sam muttered, already starting to march down the hall before both he felt 3 pairs of hands holding him back. He was dragged back into a seat by Chris and Oliver, while Sarah handed him a coffee which he refused.

"You need to be here for Andy, right now." She said softly, pinning him with her eyes and then flicking them across to the rest of the group.

Traci was a mess, hair all over the place, still wearing her pyjama pants and bare feet, with Jerry cradling her head into his shoulder. Dov was leant up against the wall, looking tiny and fragile, head drooped to his chest. And Gail was bent forward, head in her hands, occasionally looking up straight ahead, wiping at her eyes, before resuming her previous position.

...

About half an hour later, just after Sam had begun to exhaust himself from pacing, the doctor emerged with a clipboard and started sprouting a bunch of medical terms that made Sam clench his fists.

When it looked like he was about to pummel the doctor into the wall, Jerry thought it best to intervene. "Just tell us in small words what's going on, please doc, so we can understand."

"Ahem, ok. Well, Ms McNally has a broken arm, cracked ribs, and a moderate concussion, which are all quite easily fixable with time, which is lucky considering the force of the accident, thankfully the airbag cushioned her somewhat, but..."

"But she just had surgery? Why did she need surgery? Why is she in ICU?"

"Well, as I was about to say..." everyone's expressions, especially Sam's, told him now might not be the best time to be brusque and so quickly rid his voice of all traces of disdain before continuing. "The bad news is she also punctured a lung and it started to cause some internal bleeding. She was unconscious by the time we got to her and it was touch and go for a little bit, but we managed to repair the lung and stop the bleeding, so all signs are looking positive right now. We're just going to keep her under observation overnight, but it seems she'll make a full recovery." A _beep beep_ interrupted his explanation and the doctor pulled out his pager, nodding and replacing it again. "She's awake."

Relief flooded through everyone, but was soon overcome with something more important.

"When can we see her?" Traci's quiet voice emerged from the back of the group.

"Only family right now, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait..."

"He's family!" Sarah burst in, shoving her brother forward slightly as if to prove her point. "He's her boyfriend." Sam turned in shock at her words, and was almost about to argue when he saw her face and realised this might be the only chance he gets to see her right now.

So he shot a quick glance at everyone else, who after staring in mild disbelief, quickly backed him up, nodding madly as if to say, 'he's the one who can make this all better'.

Still, the doctor hesitated, but after a few seconds conceded and motioned for Sam to follow him.

Sam stood in the doorway, watching her as the doctor ran through a couple of minor tests and marked a few things down on her chart before quietly leaving the room. He held her gaze for a few moments until she dropped it and fiddled with her blanket.

"Why are you here, Sam?" Andy's voice was barely above a whisper.

Not replying for a minute or two, he made his way over to her and sat next to her on her bed, his eyes taking in all her bruises, cuts and casts, before landing on the tubes attached to her one good arm and leading back to a machine that kept bleeping and occasionally drips of clear liquid would make their way through the tubes.

"Where else would I be, Andy?" Sam gently reached out for her hand and ran a thumb over her knuckles.

She immediately relaxed into his touch, but just as quickly remembered and tore her hand away again, not at all oblivious to the flash of pain in his eyes, before he covered it up again with concern. "You shouldn't be here. You should be in St Catherine's with Sarah, not in a hospital with me."

"Andy..."

"No, Sam, I'm not your concern any more, you shouldn't be forced to worry about me."

"I'm not being _forced_ to do anything. I'm here because you're here and there's no way I'd ever be anywhere else. Look, sweetheart, I made a mistake, and as soon as I heard your were in an accident, I panicked and I realised that everything I'd told myself up to this point had been wrong. I'm not going anywhere, Andy, I'm here to stay. Nothing else matters except that I love you and I don't _want_ to live my life without you, because I actually don't think I can. Just the thought of you being hurt or worse, without me, I felt sick, like my insides were being ripped out one by one. But what's worse is that I thought you could be gone forever without me telling you the truth, that I didn't mean it, that whatever happens, we can work it out." He traced his hand along her jaw, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, smiling at her, waiting for her to hear his words.

"We can't, Sam. I can't do this." Andy squeezed her eyes shut and forced her head away from him.

"What do you mean, we can't? Yes we can, sweetheart. I'm here for you now, and everything's going to be ok. We'll be fine, Andy, everything will go back to normal."

"NO!" Andy exploded before trying to calm herself down again. "It's not fair on you or me Sam. I clearly don't deserve you..."

"Don't say that, sweetheart."

"It's true! And sooner or later you're gonna realise that and then you'll leave..." Sam was emphatically shaking his head, but she continued, "and I won't be able to survive that, Sam, not for a second time. You're amazing, Sam, and you deserve someone equally amazing, who'll be able to give you everything you want, and I refuse to be the one who holds you back from finding her."

"I've already found her. You can't push me away." He grabbed her head with both hands and forced her to look at him, pleading with her to see what was in his soul.

"This is the way it has to be. I think you should go, now... please." She was barely holding it together but couldn't stand to cry in front of him, she had to be strong. He needed to move on.

"No, I'm not going anywhere, Andy and I never will, ok? I love you, don't you understand that?"

"Sam...please..." she whimpered, "You need to leave. Now. We can't see each other anymore, it's the only way. So, please... just go."

"NO!"

"Sam! I can't do this anymore! You have to go."

"NO!"

"I can't be with you, Sam. I can't!" Andy was almost at her breaking point, but he wouldn't give up.

"Yes. You. Can!" Sam paced beside her bed, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on hers, desperately trying to avoid the realisation that it was over

"NO! Sam! Leave! Please! I don't w-wanna see you any-anymore." her words faltered on her tongue as she started sobbing.

"Andy..." One last try. He wanted to gather her in his arms and kiss her senseless until her pain was gone and until she really believed he was there for keeps.

"GET OUT! NOW! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Through her fuzzy eyes, she saw a lone tear escape as he dropped his head and slumped his shoulders. The last thing she heard before she dissolved in a puddle of tears, was the door smacking the wall and swinging back to close behind him.

...

Sam ignored the confused and astonished stares as he stomped past them all and headed for the exit. Sarah only _just_ caught him before he reached the door.

"Sam! What's going on? Where are you going?" She reached out to drag his shoulder back around, effectively stopping him from leaving.

When he turned, Sarah had to stifle a gasp. His face was wrecked, broken down in agony and despair. "I'm leaving. She doesn't want me here."

"What?"

"For God's sake! Stop saying that!"

"What happened? Did you talk to her?" Her eyes flicked rapidly between his, trying to see the truth.

"Yep, we talked alright. I told her I wanted her back, and she basically told me leave."

"So you just left?"

"No, I argued with her, _then_ I left. It's over, Sarah. I'm going home." And with that, Sam was gone.

...

When Sarah pushed through the doors to the ICU, ready to give her a piece of her mind, she was confronted with the tiny shell of a girl that lay on curled up on her side, weeping uncontrollably as her body convulsed with tears. In between chokes, she faintly caught the words, "I love you, Sam".

_**Okay, so, that was so much harder than I imagined. See, I had this outline in my head, and it's turned out nothing like I planned. I s'pose by this time you've worked out that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with this story, but I kinda think it won't last too much longer. Hope it wasn't too bad. Really really can't wait to hear your opinions of it, so please REVIEW!**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**Disclaimer: Grant me my wish and make Rookie Blue and/or Sam Swarek mine – please…**_

_**Yes, I know, ok? I've spent a ridiculously long time trying to finish this stupid story and now it's frustrating me no end. But the end is in sight! You've got a choice – either I finish it here, or one more chapter, kinda a short epilogue just to round it off. Not sure yet, but it's completely up to you guys. Sorry for my laziness and lack of focus, it'll never happen again… I hope. Thanks for sticking with me. Not sure how I feel about this chapter, but it'll have to do. Review please and let me know your thoughts.**_

.

He wasn't entirely sure how he found himself in the station's gym at 3am, beating the hell out of an innocent punching bag. He couldn't remember anything of the drive and was only faintly aware that he'd left Sarah stranded at the hospital with no car. Sam measured his breaths with every punch, driving himself harder and harder into the material, hoping the pain in his fists would overtake the pounding in his heart.

He didn't get it, why she wanted so badly for him to leave her. His brain scrambled for every possible explanation but again and again it came up empty. All he could reason with was that given time, she'd realise he wasn't going to leave her, that he was there for keeps. She couldn't be thinking clearly, maybe it was the painkillers messing with her brain, maybe she was just reacting to his rejection. It would all be ok, time and space is all she needed.

Sam saw a movement out of the corner of his eye, and heard the gym door swing shut, but he was determined to ignore the intruder and hope they got the message. Which was why he almost groaned when the voice broke through his focus.

"Sam." Best saw his shoulders slump in defeat, but Sam still didn't turn around. "Just came back from the hospital. I expected you to still be there, until your sister explained what happened and…" Frank paused when he saw Sam's menacing glare and held his hands up in an apology, "but anyway… Thought you'd want to know that the docs are keeping her in for observation for a few days and she'll be cleared for desk work in probably 2 weeks' time. She, uh," he scrubbed a thumb over his jaw as he tried to pick the right words but knowing whatever he said, the reception was not going to be pleasant. "Sam, McNally won't be working at 15 any longer. She signed a transfer last night and as soon as she's fit for work, she'll be stationed at 27th." Frank winced as he took in Sam's stance and readied himself for the confrontation.

"WHAT!" Sam exploded, ripping the gloves off his hands and flinging them towards the far corner, except they missed and hit the trophy cabinet, rattling the glass. He was sure he couldn't have heard Best correctly and so took a step towards him, almost ready to plead with his boss to tell him otherwise. "Tell me you're not serious." Sam's voice had turned eerily quiet and if it wasn't for the vein popping out of his neck and the clenched fists as he tried to control his anger, Frank would have thought he was taking the news rather well.

Best just nodded and took a deep breath. "She was supposed to start there on Monday but considering the uh, the accident…" he trailed off, knowing the less he said right now the better.

"And you just _let_ her transfer? You didn't try to stop her? Jesus Frank! How could you be so stupid!"

"HEY! _You're _the one who screwed this up, Swarek, so don't you dare blame me for this!" Frank sighed and lowered his voice again, "Look, I did try, ok? I gave her every other option I could think of, but she wouldn't budge. She kept saying, 'This is the way it has to be.' There was nothing more I could do."

"Then transfer me as well. Put me in 27th."

He shook his head and pursed his lips, "No Sam, I'm sorry. As per her instructions I've also ripped up your applications. You're staying at 15."

"What? You can't do that! You said…"

"I'm fully aware of what I said Sam, but this is the way it has to be."

"Stop saying that! So what, you're taking orders from a rookie now? Is that it? Andy wasn't in her right mind when she signed those papers, so can't you just rip them up like you did to mine?" Sam was pacing by now, running his hand through his hair over and over until it spiked up like the Statue of Liberty. His brain whirling miles per second and his mind screaming at him to fix this quickly before he screwed the rest of his life up for good.

"She _was_ thinking clearly Sam, McNally knew what she wanted. And though I may not entirely get her logic, she's trying to protect you and for God knows what reason, she feels that this is the only thing she can do. You've gotta accept it, Sam." Frank placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, only to have it shoved off a second later.

"NO! I don't fucking have to accept anything! This is bullshit Frank and you know it. Just give me a couple of hours, I'll talk her around. Everything will go back to normal." He would give anything for that to be the case, but even as the words slipped out of his mouth, Sam knew it was wishful thinking. The only thing he ever really wanted was being torn from his grasp.

"Sam, Andy's made her decision and now's the time for you to respect it. She's asking you to stay here and I tend to agree with her on that point. You _need_ to listen to her and comply with her wishes. Now, I'll be expecting you at work on Monday 8am sharp." Best's final command was firm and unyielding, leaving no room for more debate as he strode out of the room, leaving Sam alone once again with his anguish.

…...

It's not as if he just accepted her terms and moved on. No, he fought, struggled, kicked and screamed his way down, until there was nothing else left for him to do except endure her conditions.

Sam made it back to the hospital in record time and following about 20 minutes of arguing with the nurses and consequently, the doctor after being refused entry into her room, he was promptly escorted from the building by Jerry and Oliver before he could throw the first punch. Sarah looked on in horror as her brother started kicking the life out of his truck, his precious baby, and barely managed to deposit him in the passenger seat once he'd exhausted himself.

The ride back to his house was a long, painfully quiet one. He didn't want to talk and she didn't force him, understanding her brother well enough to know he was stewing. With a sigh, she pulled the keys from the ignition and followed him into the house, watching as he rifled through his kitchen cupboards until he found the pill bottle, dry-swallowed 2 and collapsed face-down on his bed without bothering to change. Checking to make sure he hadn't done something stupid, Sarah glanced at the label and found they were only sleeping tablets, before going back to his doorway to observe him.

_God, this was messed up_.

Quietly slipping out into the lounge room, Sarah pulled her mobile from her pocket and hit speed dial 1.

"_Hi honey, it's me… Yeah, he's um, he'll be ok I think... No, uh, long story, just... No I wanna stay with him for a few more days, you know, just to keep an eye on him… Are you alright to take care of the boys? I'll be back as soon as I can… It'd better work out, it has to… Mmm, I hope so too… I'll talk to you later ok? Love you honey, bye."_

Sighing again, Sarah pushed herself off the sofa in search of some form of breakfast food and ended up scrounging up an omelette. Covering Sam's portion in plastic wrap, Sarah brewed herself a coffee and nibbled hers, pausing momentarily to pop her head in his room only to discover him tossing and turning with this permanent look of agony etched into his features, and wondered which part he was dreaming about.

…...

Clearly the pills had little effect of him, as Sam was awake by 9:07am, or so the blinking red numbers on his bedside clock said. He hoped that he'd wake to find his world had righted itself and everything in the past few days was just his imagination, but when he saw Sarah hunched over against the kitchen table flipping through some junk mail, Sam knew his life would never be that simple.

'_Since when did my life become such a freaking disaster? Right around the time she slammed you into the ground,'_ his brain answered as Sam dropped his head and dragged his feet to the fridge, his hands immediately seizing the plate and flung it in the microwave, slamming the door shut a little harder than needed.

He didn't need to ask why she was still there; Sam already knew she'd stay until she was certain he wasn't suicidal.

Alternating between stabbing at his omelette and downing his caffeine dose for the morning, Sam said nothing and apart from the occasional flickering glance at his sister, Sam stared aimlessly at his plate, mulling over the events and his future course of action. Thankfully, Sarah seemed determined to keep the peace until he was ready to speak.

Finally, drumming his fingers against the benchtop, Sam's voice broke the silence, the raw, rustiness of it, startling Sarah a little. "I'm going back to the hospital this morning." He still didn't look at her, instead fixing his gaze into his coffee cup in between sips. He didn't need to look at her to know she was nodding.

"Okay" Sarah whispered back, figuring a gentle approach might be needed at the moment. "I'll come with you."

Sam just tipped his head in acknowledgement, and with a deep breath, headed for the shower, leaving his half empty coffee resting on the table.

…...

He found Tommy stooped over in one of the horrendously uncomfortably hospital chairs outside ICU, and wanted nothing more than to just slip by without being noticed, but his footsteps alerted him of Sam's presence. Standing up to greet him with a solemn and slightly pitying expression, Sam realised his morning had taken yet another turn for the worse.

"Swarek," Tommy held his hand out to shake and sent a small smile Sarah's way. "I was wondering when you'd be here."

"Sir, I… Is Andy ok? Have the doctors said anything else?" Sam's eyes bounced between her father's, searching them for any trace of concern.

"She's fine, son. A little down at the moment but she's a McNally, she'll be back up on her feet in no time." Tommy waited for the inevitable question, hating be the bearer of bad news. Sam Swarek was a stand-up guy, and he clearly loved his daughter. He was all he could ever have wanted in a son-in-law, but things obviously had not run smoothly. He could see the hesitation and regret in Sam's eyes as he tried to remain calm, even though he knew Sam could probably see what's coming.

"Can… can I see her?" Sam's voice held every raw emotion that he desperately wanted to hide. Guilt, pain, anxiety, but above all, unbridled hope.

Tommy shook his head and gently squeezed his shoulder in an attempted apology. "Andy doesn't want to see you. She gave me strict instructions not to let you through, forced me to promise to send you away."

Sam closed his eyes as the weight of everything crashed down on him. "Please," he whispered, gravelly and broken, "I need to see her, to talk to her. I can't…"

"I know, son. She wouldn't tell me what happened but I heard parts from Oliver and Traci. I tried to get her to see sense, but she's stubborn. I don't know why she's doing this, and there's nothing I can do to change her mind. I'm sorry Sam."

He gripped the older man's shoulders and let his eyes beg for him before he opened his mouth again. "Tommy, please. Can you go to her for me and tell her I need to see her? Just… Tell her I'm not prepared to let her go, that I'll do anything for her. Tommy… please."

With a small nod, Tommy McNally sighed and relented, murmuring a quiet "I'll do my best" before disappearing behind the white doors. Flopping in a nearby seat, Sam let his head slump into his hands, barely feeling Sarah's small hand rubbing up and down his back in comfort

"It'll be ok, Sam." Her quiet voice floated across to him and as much as he wanted to believe, it was futile.

"No it won't" was all he said in reply, realising his imminent defeat.

…...

A couple of minutes later, Sam lifted his head as the doors opened once again. Taking in his stance as he lingered by the doors and noticing the downturn of his lips and the eyes that exuded commiseration, Sam knew it was over. Dropping his head back down with a nod, he began to stand up, struggling not to stumble as his knees almost gave out.

"I did try Sam." He heard Tommy drawing nearing but couldn't look him in the eye, lest the tears that were brimming so close to the edge finally let go. "She wouldn't listen. She just kept repeating, 'This is the way it has to be.' I'm sorry. But she'll come around, you'll see. Just give her a bit of time."

Sam shook his head and clenched his eyes shut as those words began to haunt him once again. He turned away, pausing for a second before he walked away. "Just tell her I love her. Always." His voice cracked over the last word and he headed for the door as he felt a sob brewing up in his chest. Sam only vaguely heard his sister call out to him as he fled into the sunlight.

"I'll see you at home, little brother."

…...

Sam heard the key turn in the lock and tightened his grip on the bottle of Amarone as he braced himself for conversation. He didn't bother looking up as he poured himself another round, but felt her presence hanging somewhere behind the back of his lounge.

"Did you see her?" His voice was raspy and harsh, making her wonder just how much he'd had to drink before he'd opened that bottle in front of him. Sarah nodded, sighing a little as she made her way over to him, before realising he couldn't actually see her nod.

"Yeah," she breathed out softly, gently sliding the bottle away from him and ignoring his glare.

Sam waited for several seconds until he noticed she wasn't continuing. "And…"

Sarah let out a deep breath and tried to think of a way of not hurting him, but failed and decided not to go into details, but just keep it simple. "For what it's worth, it's nonsensical, completely idiotic…. But I get it. I mean, not all of it, but the general sentiments – yeah. In her own whacked-out way, she's doing what she thinks is right. I know you don't want to hear this, but she's doing this for you. Because she wants what's best for you and apparently this is the only way she knows how."

"Well she's wrong!" Sam spat, leaning across his sister to snatch the bottle back, almost sloshing a bit over the sides. "She has now fucking idea what's best for me! If she did, we wouldn't be in this mess right now. We'd have rings on our fingers, a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and our third child on the way!" He cradled the bottle in his left hand while he slugged back another gulp, before they were both wrenched away from him.

"That's enough Sam! I know you're angry and upset and in pain and probably God knows how many other things right now, but _I_ for one am not going to watch you drink yourself to death, especially considering _you know_ that's what her father resorts to. You've got every right to be pissed at the world, but what you're not going to do is give up and pass out on this lounge every day until you've lost everything."

"I _have_ lost everything!"

"No! What you're _going_ to do, is take a long hot shower, go to bed, wake up in the morning and try again. And if she's still not ready to listen, then you do it all over again until she _is_ ready. 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months – my point is, if you love this girl half as much as you say, then you'll wait. You'll give her time like she's asked for and you'll wait. You _will NOT_ give up and let her push you away!"

Sarah watched as he processed everything she said and thought she saw a glimmer of his usual determination flicker in his eyes. Slowly he nodded and levered himself off the couch before sluggishly moving towards his bedroom and shut the door.

Sarah trailed a hand through her hair and rubbed a little at the corners of her eyes. Glancing at the bottle in her hand, she replaced the lid from the table and deposited it back in his liquor cabinet, heading for the fridge in search of food, but instead found 2 empty beers and a vodka bottle laying in the sink that she was sure was full when they left that morning. Silently praying to whoever was up there listening and looking down, Sarah requested that Sam's only wish was granted as soon as possible.

…...

That was how Sam found himself propped up against the door of Traci's apartment building two days later, waiting for her return from hospital. Jerry had let it slip on one of his visits to make sure he was still functioning as a semi-normal human being and in an endeavour to keep him from plaguing the hospital with his presence, that Andy was due to be released today and he'd been waiting there since 6am, determined to make her see him, to hear him out. He hadn't seen Nash enter or leave the building, but figured she was either on night shift or staying at Jerry's with her son, until Andy came back, and so he kept watch. But again, several hours later, he found himself face to with Tommy, evidently sent to make him disappear.

"Before you say anything, I just want to talk to her, just for a few minutes." Sam cut in first, trying to pre-empt his dismissal.

"I understand the situation, Swarek, but the fact still remains that my daughter doesn't want to see you and she's asking you to please leave." Tommy tried to remain firm, knowing the distress Sam must be going through, but he was given his orders to obey.

"Is she here? Where is she?" Sam looked around frantically as though he might have missed his one chance at seeing her. But at the absence of her beautiful silhouette, his face fell again back into his previous broody and lamenting expression. "She knows I'm here, though, right? That I meant it when I said I wouldn't leave her?"

Tommy just nodded, taking a deep sigh and wished he wasn't in the middle of this. "Yeah, she knows son." He watched as Sam clunked his head back against the door jamb and dug the heel of his palms into his eyes as his whole body seemed to slump. He waited for a few minutes before speaking again, trying to be as gentle as he could. "Sam? It's time for you to go."

Sam breathed out shakily and it appeared like just keeping standing was a real effort for him. He took one final look at the apartments and surrounding area until he finally dipped his head in surrender and made his way to his truck, taking his time to make sure she wasn't around before he begrudgingly drove away, feeling another little shred of hope stay behind.

…...

Over the next week, Sam appeared on the doorstep at intervals every day, yearning for a glimpse of her, till each time he was dragged away. First by Traci, who possessed more power than he imagined, though he saw the remnants of remorse in her eyes, and then by Oliver and Jerry on numerous occasions, who eventually deposited him into Sarah's care. On the 5th day, Sarah left, reassured that he'd survive without her mothering, but made him promise to ring every 2 days and at the first sign of decline to get his ass up to St Catharines.

Nine days after Andy had her accident, he never turned up at all.

She'd deny it vehemently, but Andy would watch for him every day through a tiny crack in the curtains of Traci's bedroom, trailing his movements with her eyes, transfixed to his face and trembling each time he shouted for her. His plea was always the same - C_ome back to me. I'll wait for you._

Andy waited the entire day by the window, not leaving for a second, and not touching anything that Traci left for her to eat. By the evening she dissolved into a miserable pile of tears, inconsolable. Mourning for his loss and weeping her heart out, she knew he was gone and would never come back.

…...

.**  
>4<strong>** months later**

He felt like he hadn't slept in months, and in reality, it was probably literally the case. Since she'd left, he'd spent every day scouring the streets for her likeness, all the while telling himself it was useless and begging himself to give up only to have his ears prick up a second later at the sound of laughter that was so like hers, that he could almost picture her strolling around the corner to greet him. Instead, a red-head appeared and gave him the once-over, smiling up at him until he scowled and stormed away. By night, it was a restless, utterly sleepless state that kept haunting him with her face, her Bambi eyes watching him until he finally abandoned his bed in favour of the punching bag in the spare room. At other times he'd take some sleeping pills and succumb to the nightmares spiralling around in his head, every horrible scenario involving her that his imagination conjured up from the deep recesses of his mind. And he had no choice but to play them out until the end, unable to wake until the morning when he would rise feeling infinitely worse than he had before he slept.

He could count with no hands just how many minutes of the day went past without him thinking about her. He had hoped that with time, the pain wouldn't be as harsh and forever present as it was, but instead it only seemed to cut deeper and deeper, entrenching itself much as it could. He longed for the day when he'd feel numb, but knew it'd never come.

Without even trying, Sam could number the days that had passed since he saw her, each one eating away at him more than the last. But he couldn't keep hounding her, beseeching her to take him back, when he knew it was only causing her pain. Sam realised that along with time, came space, his two worst enemies. And so he stopped.

Even after much arguing on his part, Sam was officially paired with Traci. By silent consensus, they never talked about Andy. Except once a week, the first shift after every weekly girls' night, where Traci would alleviate his troubles for a few moments. Sam never asked any questions, just craved every skerrick of information handed his way, knowing his eyes did all the talking for him. He savoured and replayed those couple of minutes for the rest of the week until he heard again.

…...

It was 4 months and 5 days later that he saw her for the first time again. Arriving at the scene of a multiple car pile-up on the border of both divisions' boundaries, the first thing Sam felt was her presence, all around him like she was trying to suffocate him. A minute later, he saw the back of her gorgeous brown hair whisked back in a tight plait. It was like nothing had changed, Andy McNally was intoxicating as ever.

Snapping out of his trance when Nash shouted his name, Sam juggled taking witness statements and keeping the drivers calm until the Ambulances arrived, all the while keeping one eye fixed on her. About 2 hours later, she nervously inched her way over.

He instantly forgot everything else in the background, mesmerized by her face and only faintly aware of her shoving her hands in her pockets and rocking back and forth uneasily.

Coughing a little, Sam broke the ice, his lips finally computing something from the mess of words jumbled up in his brain. "Hi." That was as far as he got before his voice blocked up again.

"Hey," Andy could see the time had not been pleasant to Sam, the dark circles, permanently downturned mouth and slightly greying hair a definite give-away of the strain he'd undergone. Her eyes skimmed every feature, trying to memorise them. She felt sick inside, knowing that the man in front of her was the only one she wanted and yet she'd thrown him away. Andy felt the tears start to form again at the back of her eyes as though there were still many more rivers yet to cry. "How…. how a-are you?"

Sam nodded, looking to the ground and toeing at a stone, "Yep, fine. And you?" His voice was clipped and brusque. His mind held another conversation – _I miss you, I love you. Please forgive me. Don't leave me again._

"Uh, yeah, fine as well." They both looked away, both praying the other couldn't hear the frantic thumping inside their chests.

"So, um…"

"Sammy!" A marginally high-pitched voice cut through the awkward exchange, and Andy's head whipped up to see a petite blonde paramedic weaving through the cars to reach them. "Ohmygod! I totally didn't know you were here or else I'd have come over sooner!" She didn't even notice Andy standing right there and Andy had to shrink back a little, ducking her head to keep anyone from seeing the tears welling up, her heart sinking faster with each second. "Such mayhem, huh? Thank God no one was seriously hurt, only a few concussions and maybe some whiplash." The blonde was rambling a mile a minute, hardly stopping for a breath and Andy was quickly filtering out the sound of her voice until she heard, "So we're still on for tonight, yeah? Cos I'm absolutely dying to eat at that Italian place again, the ravioli was amazing the last time."

"Ahem, yep, absolutely. Tonight. Looking forward to it." But she didn't seem to notice how his eyes never swung in her direction, instead focused firmly on Andy, and his voice held absolutely no enthusiasm for the discussion. He could see Andy's chest heaving as she tried to breathe and remain calm, and saw a tear or two loosen their grip and trickle down to the bitumen.

"Perfect! Well I'll see you tonight then." She kissed his cheek with a loud smacking 'mwah' before walking away again and heading back in the direction she came, calling over her shoulder, "Love you Sammy" as she left.

The silence was deafening for a few seconds before he dared speak. "Andy…"

She raised her head and he could see already her eyes were red and puffy, and internally he hit himself for making her that way again. "I'm, uh… I'm really sorry but I have to go, get back to work, you know. It's…it's been really good seeing you again, Sam. I'm… Y-you, you look good." Andy went to turn away before she could melt into a bawling mess again, but his quiet, pleading voice halted her movements for a moment.

"Andy, wait…" Sam repeated, shaking his head, realising what she was thinking, and desperate to stop her from leaving again.

Andy shook her head softly, choking back a sob before she braved her voice again. "I've gotta go. Just… I'm glad you're happy, Sam, you deserve it." She almost whispered the last words as a whimper started to break free from inside her chest and she fled to her car, parked thankfully at the other end of the scene.

…...

Traci found her 20 minutes later huddled behind a cluster of smashed up cars and debris, blubbering uncontrollably so that every time she tried to take a breath, she hiccupped as she gulped down air.

"Oh sweetie," Traci pulled her into a tight hug, wanting to impart some of her calmness onto her best friend.

"I screwed up, Trace. I've lost him for good," Andy snivelled into her Traci's shoulder, wishing she had the strength to just end it all so she might not have to bear the aching any longer. "He's found someone else. He's moved on without me."

"Andy, what are you talking about? Sam hasn't moved on, he's still madly in love with you!" Traci leant back little so she could peer into her eyes, questioning.

"No," she sniffed, "I saw her. She's beautiful and smart and obviously has her shit together. He's happy."

"Girl, I don't know who you're referring to, cos the Sam _I_ know is still pining for you. He sure as hell is not seeing anyone else."

"It's ok, Trace. You don't have to protect me, I'm a big girl, I can handle it. They're going on a date tonight, I heard them. It's what I wanted for him, right? For him to be happy? That's all that matters, isn't it?"

"Andy…" Traci was wildly shaking her head from side to side, disbelieving everything her friend said, knowing she couldn't be right.

"God! I can't believe I've been so stupid! He was right there Traci! I let him go!" A fresh batch of tears rolled down her face as she bemoaned her predicament. "You only get one chance in this life, one person to make living worthwhile and once they're gone that's it. Game over. You don't get another opportunity."

"You don't seriously believe that, do you? That there's only one person for everyone? Andy, look at yourself! You're amazing and any guy would kill to have you. Maybe it's time to start dating again, you know, fresh start."

Before she was even finished talking, Andy was frantically jolting her head like it stung her ears to even hear it. "NO! I can't! Sam's it for me. I've already betrayed him once, and no matter what, I won't do it again. I'll never date another living soul."

"Come on, Andy. Stop being so dramatic. You can't be serious!"

"You only get to love once. My destiny has been set." Andy started to back away, finding no energy in her left to continue this conversation when things could only get worse.

Traci lifted her hand out to reach her as she moved away, opening her mouth to call her back, but nothing came out as she watched her friend disappear into the sea of blue polyester.

…...

Sam was watching her with openly concerned eyes when she sank into the passenger seat. She could read the anxiousness, nervousness and fear blended up together until it became his current expression of panic. _Was she alright? Did she talk about him? Does she know that girl meant nothing?_

"I gather that woman was just a friend?"

Sam just nodded in reply, his eyes boring into hers, imploring her to believe him. After a few moments, he started the car and headed back to the station. Traci gnawed on the inside of her lip for a second, returning the nod, not sure how much she should tell him before finally deciding to go all out, one last bid to end this insanity.

"She won't go out with anyone, refuses to even consider moving on with anyone that's not you." Traci saw his eyes widen and his eyebrows frown in alarm. "Andy's been asked out at least 20 times in the past few months, probably more that she's not told me about, but each time her answer is a flat-out 'no'. But now she thinks you're happily moving on with someone else and…"

"But I'm not!" Sam blurted out, almost shouting the first real word's he'd spoken to her since they'd been forced together.

Traci held up a hand to quieten him, and quickly continued. "I know, believe me. But anyway, she's determined that if you're happy then she's… well, not happy per se, but… um… content to continue on in this ridiculous emotional turmoil she's subjected herself to. I tried to tell her otherwise, but she wouldn't have it." She hesitated before she took the final plunge. "Sam? Andy vowed to me that she'd love you and stay loyal to you until she dies." Traci was suddenly thrown forward in her seat as Sam slammed on the brakes.

Not saying another word, he flipped the lights and sirens on, spun the car in a U-turn and sped off back towards to scene. "Sam, what!" Traci clung to the armrest, eternally grateful for seatbelts, as she watched him clench his jaw tightly, and curl his fists around the steering wheel almost in a death-grip.

What seriously felt like 30 seconds later, Sam pulled to an abrupt stop, yanked open his car door and stormed off to the nearest bunch of uniforms, with Traci running to catch up.

"Has anyone seen Officer McNally?" Sam barked at them as soon as he got close enough, purposefully ignoring their stares of confusion.

"Uh, yeah, she just headed back to the station, her shift's almost up." One young baby-face rookie piped up, but then regretted it the moment Sam's glare turned on him. Fortunately, Sam only muttered a thanks before marching off again.

He barely waited for Nash to close the door before he raced off again, making Traci question the safety of actually being in the car while he was like this.

"Sam, do you mind telling me what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I've had enough and I'm gonna finish this once and for all. I've given her plenty of time and space and now I'm done with it."

Traci considered putting her head between her knees until it was all over, wishing her stomach wasn't revolting against her. "Urrgh… Can you please slow down, you're gonna get us both killed!"

"No" was all he said, flicking the indicator on at the last second before he flew around the corner.

"What're you gonna say when you get there? She's been avoiding you for months, she's not just gonna start talking now." She closed her eyes to ward off the nauseousness and figured at least with her eyes closed, she couldn't see her death coming.

"No idea, I'll figure it out." Sam glanced across at his partner and sighed, pitying her enough to slow down to only 15kms above the speed limit.

The drop in speed caused her to look up at him in surprise and saw his tiny shrug of apology. "Well, you can't just confront her, she'll run again. "

"That's exactly what I plan on doing. This way, at least at work, she'll be forced to hear what I have to say."

"You'd better pray that this works." Traci murmured softly, trying not to imagine all the ways that this could possibly go wrong.

Sam looked her straight in the eye, "Trust me, I am."

…...

Glowering the officer on the front desk into submission, Sam cornered her unsuspectingly at her desk.

"McNally." He stood behind her, his arms folded across his chest, watching as her head shot up at his voice and her eyes darted everywhere but his.

"Sam! W-what are you doing here?" Her voice trembled in mild panic as she saw the hard look on his face.

"Well, for starters, I think it's time we had a talk." Sam held up a finger to stop her interrupting. "Let's get one thing straight right off the bat, _you_ left _me_. _You're_ the one who insisted on pushing me away, so _you _don't get cry 'woe is me' for not having me by your side."

"Sam, I…"

"Ah!" He shushed her. "And you most certainly don't get to determine whether or not I'm love with you anymore, cos you should know by now that when I say something, I mean it." He noticed her glance toward the crowd that was gathering loosely around them but pushed on, determined that he was going to have his say. "I told you 100% that I was in love with you and the fact is that every single day since you locked me outta your life, I've loved you even more than before. And what's all this bullshit about you just wanting me to be happy?" Andy scowled at Traci who was hovering nearby, hanging off every word. "If you really wanted that, Andy, than you'd have never started this whole fiasco in the first place!"

"Sam, please, I…"

"No! For now, you just get to listen. I've given you 4 months of your precious time and space but I've had it up to here," he gestured above his head, "of your stupid reasoning! It's my turn to dictate terms now. I swore to you that I'd never stop waiting for you and here I am, telling you I'm not giving up till I get what I want. That woman you saw?"

"Sam, I don't want to hear it!" Andy whimpered, trying to get away and hide, but Sam grabbed her arm and forced her to stand still.

"Tough! That woman, was Sarah's best friend, who along with her husband, promised Sarah they'd look out for me. I am certainly not _dating_ her! I promised you there'd be no one else apart from you and I fully intend to keep that promise!" By now there were tears visible in her eyes and all at once, he realised he was shouting, causing a scene, and strained himself to calm down. "Andy," his tone was much softer and gentler this time, drawing her eyes to his, holding them captive as he poured himself out. "I don't want to wait anymore. I've lived without you long enough and no matter how much you keep telling yourself and me that I'll be better off without you, it'll never be true. I need you in my life, Andy."

"Sam," she breathed out, trying to hold back the tears as he took her hand and intertwined their fingers.

"You really don't have a choice in this, Andy, cos I know that you're just as in love with me. But if you refuse, I'm not gonna give up, I swear it. I'll wait outside your building, even in the rain and snow, I'll follow you everywhere, even if it means I have to take a leave of absence from work to do it." Andy sniffed as her lips quirked up in a tiny smile. "I'll phone you every day, a hundred times a day even if you hang up. And I don't care that I'll probably be arrested by these officers for stalking." Andy blinked as more tears joined onto the others and leaked out once again, only to have Sam's thumb catch them and wipe them away. Sam's voice fell to a rough whisper, "Come back to me, McNally."

Sam only had to wait a few seconds longer before she nodded madly and reached out to him, enveloping him in a crushing hug, burrowing her face into his neck, never wanting to face another time when she couldn't feel him around her. Completely unaware of the whistles and claps from the rest of the 27th, she breathed in his scent, nuzzling her nose against his skin. "I love you so much, Sam. I've missed you _so much_."

He clung to her, scrunching his eyes shut as the feel of her body overpowered every other sensation. "God, Andy" he mumbled into her hair, "you have no idea."

…...

Traci slipped away quietly from the crowd, wiping a few stray tears from her cheeks and pulled out her mobile. "Sir, it's Nash. Andy's coming back."

…...

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**Wow, that was long and drawn out, sorry! I was going to break it up into to lots, but the truth is, I'm sick to death of this story and want to get it over and done with. I kinda feel like it needs a small epilogue but, hey, your thoughts? Please please please review cos I'm getting really down about my writing style, or lack of. I'm starting to hate everything I've written and wish I'd never started it in the first place. But, enough moping, hope you guys liked it, cos you sure have waited long enough for it. If there is an epilogue, it'll be up by next week. REVIEW please!**


	13. Chapter 13

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, that's why I'm desperate for May 24th to hurry up!**_

_**Thank God it's finally over! Thanks everyone for your support and kind reviews. Definitely couldn't have continued without you all. So, it's the final chapter/epilogue, once again I've got so many issue with how I've written this, but I promised I'd get it up this week and voila! Hope you all like it. I'm dedicating this epilogue to "ariel133" cos you made my day with your review. Since it's the last one, any chance that I can beg some extra reviews? Enjoy! **_

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It was latest Sarah's phone call that spurred on Andy's daydreaming. It had been plaguing her mind for at least a week, now, and she found herself so much on edge that she was barely able to stop herself for blurting it out every time she saw him.

_It has only been a month, for God's sake! Too soon, waaayyy too soon. That'd be a sure-fire way of making him panic. _

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Sam had only taken 10 minutes to work out something was slightly different about her, she could see it in the tiny frown that graced his face before he bit his lip and let it slide. 2 days later, he couldn't take it anymore. Her constant distraction, the far-away look in her eyes, the little glances she kept shooting his way until she met his eyes and blushed, quickly turning away, and suddenly he began to doubt himself.

He asked her over the salad course at the fancy Italian restaurant that opened up a block from his house. Andy's eyes grew wide for a moment and in the next second, changed to concerned.

"No, of course nothing's wrong, Sam. Why would there be anything wrong?" She took his hand, tangling her fingers with his and looked up at him with her big Bambi eyes. Innocent, loving, and in that instant, a little worried.

"It's just, you've been acting strange the past couple of days, like something's on your mind. You know you can tell me anything, right?" Sam drew her hand closer, encasing it with his other hand and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles, praying that she'd open up and that whatever it was, it wasn't such a big deal.

Andy sighed, tweaking her lips into a soft, shy smile. "I'm _happy,_ Sam. Like insanely, red roses, pink clouds, champagne bubbles happy. I'm so glad I found you." She giggled a little into her wine glass as he kissed her hand, before waving at the maître d', knowing exactly what he was doing. A minute later, he returned and with a flick of the wrist, expertly poured out two glasses of champagne. "You don't have to do that, you know. You can't possibly afford to keep giving into my every whim, no matter how much I'd love to become accustomed to this luxury."

Sam just grinned, clinking his glass against hers. "It's not like we splash out on a place like this every night of the week. Besides, whatever my girl wants, she gets. And I distinctly remember you mentioning champagne, so…" He did a dramatic gesture to the bottle sitting in the ice bucket next to them. "Which reminds me, please continue."

"Huh?"

"You're happy, but…?"

"Oh, well… it's nothing really." She circled the rim of her glass with a finger, hesitating, hoping he'd leave it alone, but with one quick glimpse, saw the frown return and decided to continue lest it spoil what would be the perfect evening out. "Did I tell you how handsome you look tonight? Like a much hotter James Bond."

"McNally…" Sam all but growled out, lowering his voice as he stared her down.

Andy could practically hear him grinding his teeth and cowered, knowing her tactic was pathetic. "Ok, ok, fine. I swear you'll probably think I'm an idiot, but …"

"Andy! Spit it out, now."

"Argh! Ok. It's just, I know have a long way to go yet, but Traci's got all these big aspirations and Dov's practically a shoe-in with undercover, and I don't know what Chris wants, but I'm sure he's got a plan… Anyway, my point is, Gail doesn't think I've got what it takes for undercover and I know I don't want to be a detective like Dad and Luke, so what d'ya think?" Andy crammed all her words together, hoping she sounded legitimate and clamped down on the stray thought that floated back into the forefront of her mind when she saw him blink in confusion and then watched his eyes crinkle as he smirked, like _'that's what's got you so uptight?'_

"Sweetheart, you're gonna be great at whatever you choose, and though I'd love to keep you on the streets with me, you're destined to do something amazing. You know I'll support you 100%, right?" Sam chewed his piece of steak while she pouted.

"Yeah but _Sa-am_." He motioned for her to start eating and she closed her eyes momentarily as she tasted the pasta sauce. "Ohmygod, this is soooo good! Sam, you've gotta try this!" He obediently leaned forward as she shoved a forkful of the ravioli into his mouth. "But, anyway," she flapped her hand and took another bite, humming in pleasure before she continued. "I want to know your thoughts, Sam. You know me best, what do you think I should do? And don't say it's up to me, cos it's not like I'm asking you to make the decision for me, I'm just curious. Call it, weighing my options, if you will." It didn't explain her crazy behaviour, not by a long shot. Andy couldn't possibly see how her neurotic actions around him over the past week could be connected to this excuse, but for some reason he just accepted it.

"Well, I guess… I always figured you'd go for something like ETF, you know, a negotiator maybe. With that allergy of yours, people have no _choice_but to listen to you." Sam intuitively moved his legs out of the way as she tried to kick him under the table. "No, I'm being serious. You have this amazing ability to get to know people, relate to them and get them to open up to you. People _respond_ to you, Andy, they like you."

Andy pondered over that for a moment before grinning up at him with a twinkle in her eyes. "Yeah, you're so right. What's not to love? It'd be like hating puppies, nobody hates puppies!"

Sam chuckled lightly, shaking his head he rubbed his leg up against hers. "You're crazy, you know? I have no idea how I got so lucky."

"_I know_!" Andy drawled, adding a fake southern accent as she tilted her head to the side. "That's what I keep saying!"

"Oh don't you worry, I ask myself that every day." It was supposed to be light-hearted, well, that's how it started out, but Sam punctuated it with a peculiar contented smile that made Andy pause at his seriousness before he ducked his head and chomped on a carrot.

She sat there for a few seconds afterwards with a piece of ravioli dangling from her fork only inches away from her mouth, replaying that look in her mind several times over, revelling in the little dance the butterflies were doing in her stomach. She _wanted_ to blurt it out, was the thing. The feeling was getting harder and harder to trample down, and the thoughts swirling around in her head wouldn't be quashed for much longer.

Sam looked up a moment later, mid chew, quirking an eyebrow at her.

Andy sighed, turning her head and touching her chin to her shoulder before turning back and watching him through her eyelashes. "Love you, Sam" she murmured shyly and adoringly. The expression in her eyes was all he could ever have wanted. His heart beat instantly faster and he knew in that second, he'd never felt anything more exhilarating. Hearing it every day for a month and it still hadn't been enough, but every day for the rest of his life, Sam knew nothing else could compare.

He leaned over the table, reaching out to tangle his fingers through her waves and drawing her closer, Sam breathed in her scent, peach and honey, and kissed her with as much passion as he could muster, sure that she could feel his utter infatuation with her pumping through his veins. Reluctantly pulling back, but only a fraction, he nuzzled at her ear, whispering a soft, gravelly "I love you too, McNally". Unanimously, they both released each other and returned their attention to the food, far too preoccupied to attempt any further conversation.

When the waiter dropped a dessert menu at their table, Sam started perusing it, while Andy just watched with a small enamoured smile on her face. Quickly and hopefully inconspicuously, she glanced around at the other tables and restaurant staff. Andy quietly kicked her shoe off and curled her toes around his ankle, moving slowly upwards until she was hindered by his trousers.

Sam's head shot up in surprise as she continued her assault with her foot, stretching her leg out to reach further as her toes ventured past his knee. She heard him gulp and stared into his suddenly extremely dark eyes as he stuttered a little. "A-Andy? Wha…What're you doing?" He had to take a deep breath when she only licked her lips in response and continued her exploration with renewed zeal. Sam jolted in his chair, barely able to stop himself from swearing when her toes rubbed against him.

Andy felt him immediately tense and saw his hand clench on the edge of the table as his jaw tightened. She could hardly suppress a smile as her toes stroked up and down his length, loving that it was her who made him react that way. She saw his chest expanding and contracting as he struggled not to pant. "Sam?" Her voice was sweet and her look could almost be called innocent if not for the impish glint. "I don't want any… desert," Andy purred, lowering her voice for the last word.

With a sharp nod, Sam flicked her foot away and tried to calm himself. Bracing his hands on the table for a while as he took deep breaths, Sam then handed over his credit card, impatiently drummed on the counter while their bill was processed, and all but dragged her back to his place.

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She'd taken it upon herself to ring every couple of weeks, making sure nothing overly dramatic had happened again. Two weeks in, Sam flung open the bedroom door, jolting Andy awake, and unceremoniously shoved the phone at her, throwing his hands up in the air and storming off without saying another word. Rubbing sleep from her eyes and squinting at the light shining through the curtains, Andy stared curiously at the phone before shrugging and putting it towards her ear, answering a 'hello' around her yawn.

"_So, you two are living together now, huh?"_ The voice spoke, and even in her sleepy state, Andy could hear the distinct sneer in the voice.

"Sarah? How…" Andy began, furrowing her brow and scrunching up her nose slightly before she was abruptly cut off.

"_Let's cut the crap, shall we? I wanna know you're intentions. Are you just gonna jerk my brother around or what?" _Sarah was clearly in a mood and as much as Andy didn't necessarily want to spread every detail about their relationship to everyone they knew, Andy could see Sarah's point. Her record with Sam hadn't exactly been stellar.

She was still sitting there, trying to comprehend what had brought on this sudden rage, especially considering the week before she'd been thrilled that they'd finally got their act together. Her hesitant mulling over how to respond was interrupted by Sarah's _"Well? I'm still waiting ya know!"_

"I'm very serious about him, ok? I… I'm doing everything in my power not to screw this up. Look, Sarah, I get that you're concerned about him, that you're worried we're moving too quickly and pushing ourselves too much until one day we'll eventually blow up." Andy paused when Sam emerged with a mug of coffee and a croissant, ruffling her hair and planting a quick kiss on her nose as he walked back out. She winked at him and gestured for him to shut the door behind him.

"_Hit the nail right on the head! He's not someone you can just pick up and drop at your convenience. And if you're not absolutely 100% in this, then I think you'd better go before you break my brother's heart and I'm forced to track you down."_

"I know, Sarah. And believe me, if I ever hurt him again, you'd probably be at least 10th on the list including _my _best friend and my father." Andy chuckled as she heard Sarah audibly exhale and relax a little, taking the time to munch on the corner of her breakfast.

"_Soooo… You're living together? Took you this long_?" Sarah's voice changed to almost completely the opposite, teasing and light.

"Yeah, well, I still have my apartment, but I haven't really been back there since we got together so… yeah." Andy swiped a few crumbs off the bedspread and motioned to Sam when he nudged the door open slightly that he could enter.

"_That's good… you sound happy. You both sound happy."_

She snuggled into Sam's chest, smiling up at him. "Yeah," she breathed out, "we are."

"_Well, I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing. Good chat. Bye." _And before Andy could reply a resonating 'click' sounded in her ear.

He let the silence hang for a few moments before he realised she wasn't going to say anything. "What'd Sarah say?" Sam gently elbowed her ribs.

"Just making sure of my intentions." Andy didn't look at him, but instead intertwined their legs, wrapped an arm across his torso and started drifting back off again.

Sam snorted softly, picking up her arm and watch it flop back onto him like a dead-weight. "Aaannndddyyy" he sing-songed quietly, poking at her shoulder. He continued, knowing she was listening, pretending she was asleep. "You know we have work this morning, love?"

All he received was a mumbled, "Mmrgh" which sounded more like a grunt. He prodded her some more before whipping the doona off her. "_Saa-aam!_ Don't wanna!" Andy cracked open one eye and pouted, "5 more minutes?"

He feigned thinking about it for a couple of seconds, then grinned and bundled her up into his arms and hauling her into the shower, only just avoiding a knee to his face.

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Ever since Sarah's last fortnightly phone call, she'd been in a bit of a daze. Usually the thought would have her packing her bags and fleeing to the place furthest away from 'normal' that she could find, but the more she thought about it, the more she _wanted_ it. It was nuts, completely ridiculous, but with every passing minute with him, she wished time would hurry up already so it could happen.

Andy didn't think Sarah necessarily meant to reveal it, especially considering the tiny gasp that followed Andy's sudden silence, and what Andy could only imagine was Sarah clamping a hand over her mouth to prevent any further information leaking out. Thinking back, she couldn't even remember how it came up in the conversation, couldn't remember anything else except that 'it' was out now and wreaking havoc on her ability to concentrate on anything else for more than a few minutes at a time.

It didn't help that only a few minutes after she'd hung up, Sam came bounding through their front door with a bouquet of purple orchids since she'd had to take the night shift and a mille feuille from her favourite coffee shop because she'd insisted on him waking her up before he left for work and yet was in a grump when her well-deserved slumber was rudely interrupted. With a huge, blinding grin plastered on her face, she launched herself at him, barely giving Sam a second to dump the groceries on the floor before she claimed his lips and wrapped herself around him in a tight hug. Finally uncoiling her limbs, she slid down his body and immediately prized her presents away from his grasp, ignoring his little fit of laughter as she stuffed in a sugary mouthful.

"What was that all about? Guess you missed me, huh? Maybe I should go shopping more often!" Sam teased as he juggled some of the veg that tried to escape from the bag. He turned back to see her blushing, trying to hide her face by sniffing the flowers. He almost thought she was about to say something, but she held back, looking away from him as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear and wiping up a few crumbs from the packet. Instead, after a couple of moments too long, she glanced up at him. Seeing him staring at her with a pensive expression and his head tilted to the side as he tried to read her, Andy quickly banished Sarah's words which had drifted back into her thoughts, and gave him a hopefully reassuring smile. "I just love you, that's all." He smiled back, blowing her a kiss, but she caught him watching her as he bit into an apple and knew he didn't fully believe her.

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She almost announced it when Sam dropped a whole pile of washing on their bed. Andy emerged from the bathroom with her mouth full of toothpaste, to see him neatly folding up their clothes and arranging them into little stacks. She knew she was staring, but couldn't help it, only snapping out of it when Sam questioned her.

"Who knew the great Sam Swarek was so domesticated?" Andy tried to laugh it off, swatting his backside as she went to rinse her mouth out, but saw his eyes narrow. He clearly didn't buy that one either.

Sam found her days later curled up on the sofa, wiping the remnants of tears from her cheeks with a tissue, quickly changing the TV channel before getting up to start dinner. She avoided his eyes as she fled the room, offering no explanation for her crying only moments before. Once he was sure she'd gone, Sam hit the return button and found himself looking at the Discovery Channel watching a pair of mating albatrosses somewhere in New Zealand. Gazing in the direction of the kitchen, Sam pursed his lips and rubbed the back of his neck, shaking his head slightly in confusion as he followed her, observing her silently.

But it was breakfast on the 8th day that broke her resolve and had her shouting it out before her thought-barrier could stop up again.

Andy had told him the story right at the beginning of their TO-rookie partnership, a few days after he'd gotten over his initial irritation with her, but had never mentioned it since. They'd settled in for a late breakfast one morning at his favourite diner and watched in part perplexity, part awe as she'd made little soldiers out of her toast and dipped one into the gooey yolk of her boiled egg. _Just add pigtails and she'd seem like a little kid_, he thought as she munched happily away with a small contented smile on her face. A minute later, she'd noticed him just sitting there, staring, and lifted an eyebrow at him, like '_What?'._ Sam just shook his head and dug into his pancakes, until he realised she was watching him, gnawing on her bottom lip.

Hesitating for only a second longer, Andy gave him a glimpse into her past life. "My dad used to make this for me when I was little, every Sunday that he wasn't at work. I've never liked making them myself, but sometimes I just like to go back, you know, remember what it was like back then." She saw his lips quirk a little and instantly felt at peace having let him in even if it was just a silly childhood story. But since that time, she couldn't remember ever having eaten it again.

Until now. Sitting together at the breakfast table, relishing a moment of tranquillity spent in each other's company, Andy was sipping her morning coffee and nibbling on a blueberry pancake she'd stolen from his plate, she snuggled into his side beaming at him as he looked up from reading the paper. Without question, Sam relinquished the cartoon section, kissing at the corner of her mouth before he returned to his sports. Suddenly, Andy flinched as the kitchen timer abruptly interrupted her quiet reverie and shot him a curious glance as Sam disentangled himself from her and disappeared behind the counter, fiddling for a moment before he returned, depositing a little plate in front of her with a boiled egg. Without another word, or even looking at her, Sam reached across and plucked a piece of toast off the breadboard, buttered it and sliced it up, arranging the pieces neatly on her plate. At last, when he looked up, he saw her mouth slightly ajar, her eyes wide in wonderment and he turned his head marginally as a smile threatened to take hold of his face. Sam could feel her still gaping at him as he tried to focus on the newspaper in front of him.

She didn't know he'd remember. That was the thing. It was a conversation from over 2 years ago and had barely lasted over a minute as it was. He was perfect. Sam was the most amazing man in the world, she knew that without a doubt, and so Andy couldn't help but jump in headfirst. "Will you marry me?"

She saw Sam instantly halt his movements, a piece of pancake hanging limply from his fingertips before it flopped back to his plate. His head whipped around to look at her, his eyes wide and completely unnerved. "Huh?" Sam heard himself say, utterly shocked to say the least, more like rocked to his very core.

Andy was practically bubbling with excitement and anticipation. She'd never thought after thinking about it so long that it's sound so good hearing it spoken aloud. She took a deep breath to calm her heart rate, still grinning madly at him. "Sam, I love you so much. Will you marry me?" She heard a tiny gasp as her words sunk in.

All Sam could do was shake his head, faintly, unsure if in disbelief or overwhelmed. "No," he breathed out, barely a whisper. His eyes were distant, clouded as if in another world and not totally aware of his surroundings.

Andy was quiet for several moments, just sitting there, looking at him, feeling her heart sink, as the numbness set in. She didn't have time to feel pain yet. Finally, she spoke, nodding her head and already starting to rise from the table, not having touched the food he'd cooked for her. "Oh, ok." Andy felt defeated, shifting her weight from foot to foot as he kept staring into the space in front of him. She gathered up their plates and headed for the kitchen, wanting anything to take her mind off her stupidity. "Yeah, no, that was a totally idiotic thing to say. No idea where _that_ came from." She was muttering to herself as much as trying to reassure him that they could just forget she'd said anything so ludicrous and go back to normal.

Her words jolted him back to reality and Sam panicked once he realised what he'd said. "No! God no, Andy! I didn't mean that, I swear!" He bolted into the kitchen to find her furiously scrubbing the dishes, her face scrunched up in distress. Sam gently relaxed her tight grip on the plates and spun her around in his arms grasping her shoulders and bending his knees a little so he could see her face. Andy kept her eyes fixed on a spot on the wall to the right of the kitchen, determined to remain in control even as tiny parts of her started splitting off her heart.

"Andy! Andy, sweetheart, look at me…. Please!" Sam's urgent voice forced her to obey him and once she looked, he saw the rejection and misery haunting her already. Clasping her hand in a death-grip, Sam led her to the sofa and gently pushed her to sit, knowing he had to rectify this quickly. He vanished into the bedroom, and she heard him rustling around in a draw before he returned. Andy hardly registered him kneeling on the floor in front of her when she zeroed in on the little black box clenched in his hand, trying to prise open the lid, before flipping it around and easily opening it and holding it out to her.

On its own accord, her hand reached out for the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen. Simple, breathtaking and entirely _her_, she had to force herself to look away from the shiny new object when Sam's hand caressed her cheek. "Andy, love, I'm so sorry. I was just in shock, that's all. I thought it was supposed to be my thing to ask you to marry me, but clearly you beat me to it. We're never gonna do things right, are we?" Sam chuckled, leaning forward to rest his head on Andy's. "I think you know by now how much I'm in love with you, right?" He pulled back to see her nodding frantically, unable to speak as her teeth sank hard into her bottom lip to stop it quivering as tears began to build up. "I have no idea where I'm even supposed to begin, I hadn't really planned this far ahead, except to say I never knew this kind of love existed in real life, you know, where you actually know you couldn't live life without that person by your side. But, I knew, right from the very start, I knew it was only you. Andy, we've been through a hell of a lot together, and I know we've only been together a short while, but I want this, you and me, together, every day for the rest of our lives and clearly by your little outburst before…" Sam paused for a grin as she buried her head in his shirt in embarrassment. He tilted her head back to look at him and brushed her fringe from her eyes, lowering his voice to a rough whisper, "I didn't know you were ready, sweetheart, otherwise I would've asked sooner. Actually, If I'd known, I probably would've hauled you down to the city hall long before now."

Andy giggled, giving him a quick peck on the lips. "Do you think Traci'll kill me if we show up to work tomorrow, already married?"

"Well, I haven't actually asked the question yet remember, and you still have to say yes." Andy opened her mouth to interrupt, but Sam just pressed a finger against her lips, feeling them smile underneath and continued on. "But in any case, I think it'll be Oliver who kills _me_ for being completely unromantic and not giving you the wedding you deserve."

Andy started bouncing on the sofa, almost knocking Sam backwards. "Can you ask already? You're holding out on me," she pouted holding out a hand, demanding her ring.

"Uh uh," Sam moved his hand away from her reach. "Patience, milady." Andy scowled, but it didn't last long as her elation lit up her face once again. "As I was saying, McNally," Sam shot her a pointed look, "I want to spend the rest of my life making you as madly in love with me as I always have been with you. So if you'll have me, Andy, will you marry me?" He knew the answer, but still for the split second before she spoke, Sam's heart beat faster than ever, hearing the blood drumming in his ears until her sweet voice broke through.

"Yes! Of course I will, Sam!" Andy leapt up from her seat, tackling him to the ground, landing a knee into his stomach as they collapsed. He grunted in faux agony, but quickly gave way to ecstatic glee as she peppered his face with hard kisses. Just as quickly as she jumped him, Andy rolled off, clutching the little box as she scrambled back up onto the sofa, before slipping on her gorgeous ring and squealing with delight, almost causing Sam to block his ears.

"You like it, then?" Sam grinned, loving how that little band would mark her for the world to see she was his. Forever.

"Ohmygod Sam! It's perfect! I love it!" Tangling him in a long kiss, Andy reluctantly drew away a few inches and whispered into his ear, full of emotion, "I love you so much, Sam".

They stayed knotted together for an unknown length of time, murmuring 'I love you's', never wanting this feeling to end, until Sam unexpectedly sprang up, yanking Andy up with him, and dragged her to their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind them.

.  
>.<p>

In the early afternoon, they lay together jumbled in a mess of sheets and limbs, both far too electrified to even think about moving.

Knowing Andy would be the first one to break the silence, Sam just waited, occupying his thoughts with dreams of their future. A short while later, Andy sighed, and Sam knew there'd be questions to come and he certainly wasn't disappointed.

"Sam? When did you buy my ring? We basically haven't been separated since we started."

"Remember the call about a disturbance at the mall a couple of days after we came back to 15? While you were taking statements with Traci, Oliver and I hauled the kid back to the car." Sam glanced down at her, then went back to staring at the ceiling, pausing while she came to the conclusion herself.

"You disappeared for like 20 minutes after that and Oliver said you were just going to find a bathroom. You mean you were _shopping_? For my _ring_?" Her voice turned high-pitched as she propped herself up on his chest to see him properly.

"I saw it in the window on the way back to the car and asked Ollie to cover for me. I think it's been killing him not to be able to say anything. I thought he would've exploded by now," Sam chuckled, running his fingers through her hair.

"So, what? You just saw this one and thought, 'that's it'?"

"Don't you like it? We can take it back and get another one if you want."

Andy shushed him before he could continue. "Don't be silly, Sam. I told you, it's perfect. I'm just intrigued how you pulled this all off without me knowing. I mean, how'd you hide it all this time without me finding it? I mean, not that I've been snooping or anything."

Sam just chuckled, tugging on her ear. "It was like the ring was telling me to buy it. To me, there was no other choice, it just seemed like it was made just for you. By the time I came back to meet you, I was petrified you'd find it by accident and freak out, so I kept it buried in my lock box under all my papers. I figured I'd pop the question on our 3 month anniversary, but I should've known you always find a way of turning my plans upside down."

"I thought you didn't make plans."

"Hmmph, well apparently your traits have rubbed off on me." He knew what was coming before she even opened her mouth and couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"That's not all I've rubbed off on you!" Andy husked as she began mouthing at his shoulder and moving her way up his neck.

Sam rolled her back underneath him, loving how her legs automatically circled his hips. "McNally, 'nuff talking."

"But Sa-am…?"

"Mmm?" He responded, but didn't stop his exploration of her body.

Andy ran her hand through his thick black hair, grasping it gently to pull him back. "Can we announce it at parade tomorrow?"

Sam moved back up to capture her lips and lingered until they needed air. "Wouldn't have it any other way, Andy."

.  
>.<p>

_**So that ended up like a million times longer than I planned, but it's over now, so yippee! Finally I can get on with all these other stories I've been mulling over. Just so you know, don't feel bad if you don't like this chapter, cos it's prob the worst one I've written so far, but I hope you'll review anyway! Thanks so much for reading! I'll eventually get around to fixing up my grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but until then, I'll hopefully be publishing again soon!**_

_**Now, here's my favourite part. As I do at the end of every story, time to thank everyone who's reviewed. Deep breath:**_

"_**Exuperance18; rbfan624; Jelly Bean Jenna; ariel133; Josanne; MPRN; FionanMichael; TraciM; swarekaddict; RookieBlue4333; 1810tammy; jahwong; TeamMcswarek; jlamb; Dd25; Drock5271; edge15684; Kelly2727; CytheraofNaxen; Source76; NMBB; Carol; anon; khub; virginie adsuar; siddy4me; Emma A. Robinson; copskid5; tdolphins; JunkoAmaya; Roseau76; smdaniels20; 13BC; kate; apsta; coffeelover328; livingnlyrics; Vicki; sloancharity; saikiko; Tima; ; India; Lady Nikka; sillygyrl18; jh126; superdoodie; nana-puddin; svbristow; ; starshine167; SunnyCitrus10; candle2211; blue; MEW28; mbarca; Rozale; aolande1; XsandyloverX; kayden444; vampbooklover3000; kal220576; Colbykid; dcj; CantGetEnoughofLuke; Mamaverd; Rbfan; gpfb; McSwarekLove; Goog1e; Bonesluver; Willow; DarkAngelRilla; Joshiecat; chocolate2010; saraj; xxliveforever17xx; WenEdg; PSGProductions271; Meggiegirl; ErHouseSVULover10; irionelissa; Trickywoo2; SwayEm; stuart1993; jimi18; Mya; IslingtonAngel; MaySampa; ceswahb; Rookie-blue-is-the-best; IBelieveInMe; kdrenai; Sairs J; Nicole Kathrine; Bonesxo; Lauretta92; courtneykutie; HeyBaileyKay; Moviegirl46; SMchick; JhsGptMS; StolenRookie; deathwinged; Forever Echelon; XSabineX; Rookieblue001; Sellons; kctvfan."**_

_**.  
>Fweh! If I've missed anyone – I'm really sorry but I'm about to go cross-eyed. Thanks to everyone else who didn't get a mention! See you soon!<strong>_

_**.  
>Kmart92<br>**_

_**P.S - Oh, and just because I can, check out the wedding ring I picked for Andy. Since my computer is being annoying and won't put the web address in properly, go into Amazon and add the rest below to the end of the web address. If not, PM me and I'll attempt to give the website to you again. Have fun!**_

**_.com/Carat-Deco-Diamond-Engagement-Ring/dp/B002CN08QY/ref=sr_1_16/182-4940005-4724815?ie=UTF8&s=jewelry&qid=1251851652&sr=8-16?ie=UTF8&tag=cddjeq-20_**


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